Cell phones have become as ubiquitous as sand in the shoes of a Sahara hourglass salesman.  But, there are still a few old fashioned, stand alone phone booths that remain in service to this very day.  And there’s an organization whose mission is dedicated to offering historic tours inside these glass monuments, to preserve the nostalgia.

                    “Okay… yes, this is a real working phone booth… and that smell?… well, that’s vintage 1970’s urine on top of a cheesesteak submarine sandwich with no pickles,” says, Marjorie Bates, Director of the WormHole Square Phone Booth Preservation Society.  She inhales deeply, exhales with near orgasmic release, continues.  “Ahhhh… the phone booth is not a just a glass box in which to make a phone call.  It is a respite, a shelter from the rain, sleet, bitter cold winds, and the occasional 17 year cicadas.”

                 And by a real, working phone booth, Ms. Bates means that the phone  ( by tradition ) only works sparingly and never when the call is urgent.  Ms. Bates schedules tours every Monday and presently has a reservation list of over 7 people, which includes a telephone repairman and the guy who replaces the broken glass.

                  “There is so much rich history in this phone booth,” Director Bates says.

                   According to the Preservation records, 53 stabbings, 19 overdoses, 4 live pelican auctions, and 1 decathlon, have all taken place inside this phone booth over the years.

                “Numerous 911 calls have been made from this phone booth, saving countless lives,” Ms. Bates adds.  She pushes a remote control button on the side of the phone booth, continues.  “The following is the recording of an actual 911 call that was placed from this phone booth on March 17th, 1977, at 2:53 am.”

                 AUDIO fills the phone booth.

911 DISPATCHER: 911, what is your emergency?                                                                                                CALLER:  Yeah, ah, I need the coast guard.                                     911 DISPATCHER:  The coast guard, sir?  What’s going on?CALLER:  Yeah, so… this boat just crashed up on the rocks.            911 DISPATCHER:  You said a boat just crashed up on the rocks?  Is that correct, sir?                                                           CALLER: Yeah.                                                                                            911 DISPATCHER:  Any injuries?                                            CALLER:  Ahhh, I’m not sure.                                                               911 DISPATCHER:  What’s your location?                           CALLER:  I’m in a phone booth.                                                           911 DISPATCHER:   Okay, I need you to be more specific, sir.  CALLER:  Oh… I’m in the middle of the phone booth… about eighteen inches from the front door.                                                    911 DISPATCHER:  No, I mean, where are-                         CALLER:  Yo, so this dude that looks like a cross between Captain Nemo and Captain Crunch just got out of the boat and now he’s walking towards me and he looks really pissed off!   911 DISPATCHER:  What is the man doing, sir?                 CALLER:  He’s pointing at me, yelling and screaming with crazy venom in his eyes… and he’s coming right towards me.  He’s got something in his hand!   ( inaudible ).  He just kicked in the phone booth door!      ( inaudible )  Stop, what are you doing?!                                          911 DISPATCHER:  Sir, sir, what’s going on, sir?!   ( click )            CALLER:  Help!  ( inaudible )  Oh my God, Captain NemoCrunch, just shanked me with a crab mallet!  ( inaudible )

                 “Unfortunately, not all 911 calls have fortuitous outcomes,” Director Bates quickly adds.  “Occasionally, tug boats run aground here when they mistake this phone booth for a lighthouse.”

               The victim on that 911 call was Daniel Pernasus and he has become a permanent, featured attraction inside the phone booth tour.

           “Mr. Pernasus has been preserved with formaldehyde and two pints of cognac,”  Ms. Bates says.  “I usually start the walking tours with a brief introduction into the history of the phone booth.  And then I show the tourists the classic features inside  the booth, the three glass walls, the dome light, and the bi-folding, often broken door.”

               Ms. Bates holds back a flurry of emotions, continues.

          “I get really glassy-eyed when I talk about the articulating, hernia-heavy, phone directory that pulls up and opens out onto a metal shelf.”    Ms. Bates once again inhales deeply, exhales approximated orgasmic reflection, continues.   “I save the very best highlight for last with a slide show…  when I talk about the 1001 varieties of germs that can be found on the telephone receiver.”

 

                    Yesterday, a robot who is known as Bento, underwent a vasectomy at the WormHole Square General Hospital.

                        “It’s the first cybernetic procedure of its kind,” says surgeon, robotic engineer, and Siri translator,  Ben Underwood.   “I’ve never operated on a robot before.  Last year, I performed a vasectomy on a patient who had two knee replacements, a pacemaker, and sounded like Samuel L. Jackson on a shit-ton of weed when he talked, but nothing like this.”

            On why he had the procedure done, Bento was straight to the point.

                   “I don’t like kids.   Everything about children is impractical to me,” Bento says.   “They’re too small to ride on roller coasters.   They can’t make an omelete without the aid of a wire whip and a step stool.  In addition, their belly buttons are filled with an inordinate amount of lint versus their total body mass and weight.”

          Doctors, robotic engineers, and Las Vegas bookmakers say the chances of Bento impregnating a woman or the equivalent mechanical device is below .000000001 percent.

               “Yo, a 99 year old squirrel, who rode a unicycle all his life and lost his nuts in a barbed wire fence jumping accident, has a better chance of impregnating someone than Bento,” said bookie, Sid Calderone.

            However, Bento doesn’t want to take any chances.

            “In the past I’ve applied various male, birth control devices,” says Bento.  “It has included using latex condoms insulated with foil, and tropical fish net filters.  And spermicides imbibed with blackboard chalk dust.”   Bento thinks, continues.  “Additionally, during sexual articulation, I am currently programmed to pullout one hour and eight minutes before I reach stimulus projection and… I only have sex with post menopausal women and vending machines manufactured before 1981.  Something about those expired bags of snacks loaded with hydrogenated cottonseed oil.”

                 A vasectomy involves cutting and tieing two tubes called the Vas Deferens, which blocks sperm from getting into semen.

               “We disabled and modulated one of Bento’s piezo motors, altered a few electroactive polymers and installed ligatures on select scrotum-related, elastic nanotubes,” said Dr. Underwood.  “Bento is good to go now.”

                   Bookie, Sid Calderone updated Bento’s official, technical, sexual status.

            “Yo, after this here procedure, a 99 year old squirrel, who rode a unicycle all his life to get to his job as an x-ray underwear machine tester, who then lost his nuts in a barbed wire jumping accident, who then remembered that he had a hellacious case of the mumps doing his post pubescent years,  even before he lost his nuts, now has a better chance of impregnating someone, and or, the equivalent mechanical device than Bento, the robot.”

 

                 Last night,  Gloria Mills, 24, a cashier at the WormHole Square MundoMart, was traumatized and sent into coma, after a customer wrote and presented a personal check in her line.

                 “She had never seen a check before,” says store manager, Yolanda Price.  “It must have been horrible for her,” Price adds.  “Gloria, the cashier, has heard the horror stories of how checks were processed back in the old days.  The delays.  The ID requirements.  Checks mangled and mutilated when validated through the registers.  The carnage.  My God!”   Ms. Price shudders momentarily, continues.

                   “I processed a check several years ago myself.  Horrible.  Customer only had 1 valid form of ID and a sad, sad, song to sing.  Held up the line for days.  People starved.  People missed high school graduations.  People went without insulin.   It was truly horrific.  So, yesterday, when Gloria saw that check… well,  it must have been like seeing a UFO, Bigfoot, or a second term Donald Trump wearing yoga pants!”

                Ms. Mills had to be hospitalized for what doctors are calling a catatonic coma-like state.

                   “Ms. Mills has experienced a very traumatic event,” said doctor Sylvia Dean.  “She is suffering from PTSD, dry eye syndrome and severe exposure to anachronism.”

             Again, manager, Yolanda Price.  “Historically, we’ve had the occasional customer check out with an odd form of payment.  Once we had a guy pay for a set of 4 snow tires, $575, with nothing but pennies… covered in syrup and Playboy Magazines shredded into confetti.   I’ve seen it all.   A pirate paying for a canoe and a bag of grapes with an EBT card loaded with doubloons.  But, nothing like this.”

                     The woman who presented the check was arrested on the scene and charged with first degree assault and reckless endangerment.  To make matters worse, before she was taken into custody, the suspect allegedly demanded to call her attorney and insisted on using the nearest phone booth.

               Justin Bibbs Jr., 28, an unarmed slice of toast bread, was shot and killed by Wonderbread officer, Derek Davenport, last week.

                 “We have conducted a complete and thorough 18 minute investigation of the incident and have found no evidence of illegal use of force by Officer Davenport,” says Chief Mac Muffin.

                   However, video evidence shows Officer Davenport shot Mr. Bibbs, while Bibbs had his hands up.  In fact, the video shows that Mr. Bibbs got up on stilts, put on big, bright, white Mickey Mouse gloves, and then put his hands up.  At which point, Officer Davenport shot him multiple times.   Apparently out of ammo, Officer Davenport then droves 5 miles back to the police station, where he signed out a box of ammo, and a jelly glazed donut topped with coconut sprinkles and nuts.   Officer Davenport returned to the scene 20 minutes later, where Mr. Biggs was still laid in the street, and proceeded to fire an additional 18 rounds into his body.

                    “Contrary to overwhelming and damning video evidence, Officer Davenport only fired once at Mr. Biggs,” asserts Chief Mac Muffin.  The Chief wipes his brow, continues.   “The coroner’s report determined that the multitude of bullet holes found in the victim most likely came from birds and, or,  advanced mold.”

               Although Mr. Biggs was unarmed, Officer Davenport claimed he shot him because Biggs aimed various weapons at him, which included, a Tommy gun, sword, and small caliber catapult loaded with rocks, water bottles and Fuck the Police chants.   The only items found on Mr. Biggs were a cell phone, 3 loose cigarettes and 5 M&Ms with peanuts.

               “Officer Davenport reportedly has a peanut allergy, which makes this shooting doubly justified,” insists Chief Mac Muffin.

                 Witnesses said Mr. Biggs could be heard on the ground saying,  I can’t breath.  I can’t breath, and that Officer Davenport refused to render aid.

                   “Officer Davenport thought Mr. Biggs was saying, I can’t read.  I can’t read,” says Chief Mac Muffin.  “At which time, he did what any good cop would do in that situation.  He recommended an excellent adult literacy program to Mr. Biggs.”

                  “Meanwhile, Officer Davenport has been placed on administrative leave for breaking department protocols #37 and #41,” says, Chief Mac Muffin.   “He signed out a box of ammo with a crayon… and he did NOT use cursive in his signature.  That cannot be tolerated.”

                As a result of the Biggs’ shooting, Officer Davenport has been given the Employee of the Month parking space and commemorative Bad Lieutenant & Training Day movie posters.

 

 

 

 

 (Black Lives Matter)

MW

                   Murder Hornets, ( vespa mandarina ) have reportedly killed as many as 50 people per year in Japan.  Now, for the first time, these gigantic hornets have been found in the United States.

              Last week, a murder hornet, who goes by the name, Jasper, was detained and held for questioning in connection with the assassination of JFK.   Although the Warren Commission concluded that Lee Harvey Oswald was solely responsible for JFK’s murder, local law enforcement officials are not so sure.

            “We have an eyewitness that saw Jasper buzzing around the scene of the crime seconds before the shooting took place,” says police chief, Clive Slayter.

             Jasper, the murder hornet, when asked to supply an alibi, was not completely forthright.

               “Jasper, initially stated that he was in Japan, mating with the queen of the local hornet’s nest, at the time of the JFK assassination,” says Chief Slayter.  “Now, we tracked down and questioned this queen, but she stated that she had mated with hundreds of drones over the years.  She was unable to say with any specificity if she had been with Jasper at the time of the JFK assassination or not.”  The Chief shakes his head, frowns, continues.  “When the queen alibi didn’t work, Jasper changed his story.  He then told us he was actually hibernating in an old, rusty, Maxwell House coffee can at the time of the JFK murder.  However, we could find no one to corroborate his alibi.  We also dusted Jasper for residual coffee grounds and found nothing.”

            Two days after he had been detained, Jasper was released by police officials due to lack of evidence.   However, three days later, Jasper was once again hauled into police custody for questioning about the death of Bruce Lee.

             “We also suspect Jasper had something to do with the death of martial arts icon, Bruce Lee,” Chief Slater says.  The Chief refers to a sealed document, continues.  “We think it was some kind of Jasper, the Murder Hornet vs. Bruce Lee, the Green Hornet, Asian mafia feud.”

             But, one day after Jasper had been questioned about the death of Bruce Lee, he was once again released due to a lack of evidence.   However, the very next day, Jasper was rounded up, yet again, under suspicion of being the one responsible for the murder of Tupac.

              “I don’t think he had anything to do with the deaths of JFK, Bruce Lee, or Tupac, says Jacquline Ruby, entomologist from the WormHole Square Center of Entomology.  She goes on.  “Murder Hornets only attack people when they are disturbed, or when their nests are threatened by predators or  gentrification.

 

                     Jesus, a.k.a., Savior, Light Of the World, King Of Kings, and the Messiah by millions, was fired from his job as a carpenter, last week.

                 “Jesus was good at walking on water and all that kind of miracle stuff, but truth be told, he was a lousy carpenter,” says Rodney Smalls, Jesus’ supervisor.    “Truth be told, the only reason Jesus even got this job is because his father pulled some strings.”

                    Records indicate that God may have bribed union officials with gold, frankincense, and myrrh to get Jesus into the carpenters union.   God may have also used threats of eternal damnation as leverage to get Jesus his job.

                “I had to let him go,” Smalls says of Jesus.   “He was always calling out from work with various lame excuses like… he had to go down to Samaria to help the lepers on Monday.  Or like… he had to go down to Antioch to heal the blind on Wednesday.  And like the time he called out because he said he had to go to some church near the Shore of the Sea of Galilee to feed 5000 people with a slice of bread and a box of Pop Tarts.”  Smalls shakes his head, continues.  “And that was in the middle of our big townhouse project in Babylon.”

                      According to building inspection reports, most of the 2×4 wood stud framing that Jesus had completed was not up to code, and had to be redone.

                   “Okay, fine, so I reassigned Jesus to less technically demanding carpentry projects, like building birdhouses down in Babel,” says Smalls.  “Easy, right?”  Smalls frowns, continues.  “The building inspector goes in, cited us again because the birdhouses were nowhere near up to code.  Caused a spark with the electrical.  Caused a big fire.”

                        Now we know where all that extra fried chicken at the Last Supper came from.

                  “The last straw was when Jesus didn’t show up to work one day – no call, no show, no Jesus, no nothing,” Smalls says.   “And then out of the blue, Jesus shows up 3 days later with a note from his father that read:”  Please excuse Jesus’ absence from work.  He was crucified by the hands of the Romans, who were particulary cruel to him, especially Roman Polanski.   Please grant Jesus 3 days of FMLA and resurrection paid leave.

                  A tree named Doug, has been arrested and charged with multiple counts of fraud in connection with an AARP membership scheme.

            “Simply stated, Doug fraudulently obtained a full AARP membership, and used it to receive full membership perks,” says States Attorney, Jill Cartwright.

                 Full AARP memberships are only valid to members who are 50 years of age or older.  Court records indicate that Doug was less than 50 years of age when he obtained his membership card and  full benefits.  Trees are aged by counting the visible rings inside the tree’s trunk.  Each ring represents 1 year.

               “Forensic evidence shows only 41 organic, legitimate rings inside Doug’s tree trunk, so he was only 41 years of age at the time he received his full AARP membership,” adds Ms. Cartwright.  “Further forensic testing has determined that 2 of Doug’s trunk rings were applied with a Sharpie.  3 additional rings were applied with a mascara brush.  1 ring was applied via Photoshop.  A bootleg DVD copy of Lord Of the Rings found inside his trunk, accounts for the additional age discrepancy.”

                 Charging documents state that Doug used his fraudulent,  AARP membership card to receive tens of dollars in discounts on dining at such places like, Dennys, Outback Steakhouse, and the Rainforest Cafe; his most frequented restaurant.   Doug also received discounts on Carnival cruises and movie tickets.

               “The most egregious infraction involved discounts off movie concession stand items, like jumbo popcorn and soft drink combos,” States Attorney Cartwright, added.   “As you know, 1 trip to a movie concession stand can cost thousands of dollars.  Mr. Doug used his illegally obtained AARP membership card 12 times to purchase snacks at concessions stands, defrauding AARP out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.  If everyone else has to pay $850 for a box of Milk Duds, so does Doug,” Cartwright adds with a dose of anger.

                Doug maintains that his AARP membership is legit, blaming the age discrepancy on a clerical error, dogs barking up the wrong tree, and his enemies, Woody the Woodpecker and Groot, throwing shade.

 

                 Last night, in the 400 block of South Broadway, a pimp known as Royal Flush, was attacked by a velociraptor, who was disguised as the Monopoly Man.

           “I thought that thing was a customer at first,” says working girl, Sprinkles, who witnessed the attack.  She takes a deep breath, continues.  “Dude walked up, green, scaly, ashy skin, looking like a giant lizard and shit.  Like… Shrek’s great, great, grandfather, but with a moustache, top hat and tail, right?   I didn’t know what it was.  I’m like – okay, I’ve seen uglier motherfuckas in this line of work before, so, whatever, man.”   She looks away, spits, continues.  “I’m not really even invested in this job anyway, you know what I mean?   Like…  I’m only doing this gig to raise the tuition so that I can go to school to become a walrus trainer.”

                       The velociraptor who attacked Royal Flush, is believed to be the same creature who attacked an Amish man in Pennsylvania a few months ago.  During last night’s attack, Royal Flush reportedly tried to fend off the creature by bitch-slapping and putting his foot up the velociraptor’s ass, but without success.   Royal Flush apparently also tried to bargain with velociraptor to stop the attack.

           “He offered the big lizard 200 dollars and exclusive territorial rights to operate a brothel on Ventnor, Marvin Gardens and Atlantic Avenue, all without retaliation,” Sprinkles says.  The velociraptor expressed no interest in the offer, according to other eyewitnesses.

                   “That big lizard thing just continued ripping Royal Flush to pieces,”Sprinkles adds.  “That creature probably thought Royal Flush was an ostrich or something, because of that mink coat he was wearing.  Feathers, fur, and flesh flying everywhere.  Crazy, man!   After the big lizard finished chewing up Royal Flush’s spleen, he  took his gold chain… his Black & Mild cigarettes, and then he took off down the street.”

                 Authorities report that the velociraptor is still at large and should be considered extremely dangerous.   Suspect was last seen running eastbound on Baltic Avenue with a size 10 Bruni Magli patent leather shoe sticking out of his ass.

                   Last week, Donald Trump uttered a chain of words that no adult over the age of 9 should ever have uttered within earshot of another human being.  During a White House briefing, Trump suggested using sunlight and disinfectants inside the human body to kill the COVID-19 coronavirus.  This week, Trump doubled down on his idea by suggesting that light and disinfectants could also be used to kill computer viruses.

                   “What if we hit the hard drive with tremendous ultraviolet light… or another light source,” Trump suggested.  And it got worse.  “What if we brought in moonlight through the USB port… or maybe another light source, like candlelight or Charlottesville tiki torchlight?  Or maybe… we could insert many, many fireflies into the USB port to kill the computer virus with tremendous light?”

                Trump, looked to his experts, who were in shock, continued.   “I hear that disinfectants kill computer viruses in like 5 seconds.  What if we injected the disinfectant into the motherboard?  Almost like a deep cleaning of the CPU.  Seems like it could work to me.  In addition, bleach also works great for cleaning Klan robes,”  Trump added.

            Trump’s suggestions were met with swift criticism by every corner of the normal thinking public.   But, then there were the Trump supporters.

           “I done poured that there bleach all inside my laptop, as per Trump’s suggestion,”  says Reno Baker, 44, of Kentucky.   He waves away smoke from his still smouldering laptop, continues.  “So, basically, the computer went hog shit crazy.  Melted and billowed up with fire and smoke like a Nascar, multi-car crash.  It was like a moonshining still gone haywire.   But, hey, I’m sure I killed that dang virus.   Mission accomplished!”

 

               Rudy Cavanau, 47, has been addicted to refrigerated lunch meat, specifically poultry, for over 25 years.

                  “I like it chilled, and it’s pretty much all I eat… aside from pumpkin seeds and ice chips,” says Rudy.

              And even though his refrigerated lunch meat habit puts him at greater risk of high bold pressure and heart disease, Rudy still hasn’t been able to quit, even for the sake of his health.

                   “I have an 18 lunch meat sandwich a day habit,” says Rudy.  His mind wanders, returns.  He continues.  “My habit has cost me everything.  My wife left me after she caught me crouched down, behind the washing machine, at 3am, repeatedly French kissing… a turkey and cheese hoogie.  I hocked everything I owned just to get that next fix.  My lowest point was when I found myself in the back of a food truck, giving oral pleasure to male Gypsies in exchange for leftover turkey wings.”

                     Rudy has tried multiple methods to help him kick has habit, including Lunch Meat Excessive Eaters Anonymous, without success.

              “Yeah, that didn’t go too good,” Rudy admits.  “Because for some strange reason, they would always serve cold cuts after the meetings.  Took me 6 months to realize that I had been going to the wrong joint.”  Rudy chuckles, continues.  “I had been going to meetings for people addicted to eating soap.  It was weird.  After the end of every meeting, the air would filled with bubbles.”

            Rudy thinks, continues.  “Then I tried medication, but the side affects made my kidneys itch… and my hands tremble, which was problematic in my job at the nitroglycerin plant.  Had to get a new job.  Later, I even tried hypnosis, but staring repeatedly at a swinging watch gave me vertigo, which was problematic at my new job as a doll house roofer.”

           It was at that point that Rudy reunited with his former life coach, an iguana named Bingles, to help him finally beat his addiction.

                   “I was desperate,” Rudy says.  He looks into his hands.  No answer there, continues.  “Bingles came in, sat me down, ripped the turkey bologna patch from my arm, and then he gave me the advice of last resort.  He told me to just quit straight up… you know… go cold turkey.”

             And there it was, the method that had such obvious ironic peril within its framework, that it would surely land Mr. Rudy Cavanau into cyclical relapse and torment.  Good luck, Rudy.