INNER TRUMP: Looks like you had a special, guest visitor at the White House last week.
TRUMP: Who, Jeffrey Epstein?
INNER TRUMP: No, that looks like John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens.
TRUMP: Yeah, maybe.
INNER TRUMP: John Harbaugh, you’re a so-called Christian. What in the actual hell were you doing at the White House, hobnobbing with a convicted sexual abuser?
TRUMP: He can’t hear you. He’s too busy basking in the glow of my presidency and –
INNER TRUMP: Stunned by his own conservative Christian hypocrisy.
TRUMP: You think I’m a-
INNER TRUMP: Yes, you’re an insurrectionist, misogynist, fascist, racist, and…
TRUMP: Yes, and don’t forget, I called NFL players, the vast majority of which are Black, Sons Of Bitches! Remember that?
INNER TRUMP: I do, but maybe John doesn’t.
TRUMP: He does, but he also recognizes that I have the right to free speech.
INNER TRUMP: Oh, like Colin Kaepernick had?
TRUMP: That’s unfair. John may be here to simply show support for the office… or my policies, which are –
INNER TRUMP: Antithetical to both the Constitution and the teachings of Jesus Christ.
TRUMP: Anti…thet…? Anyway, John must admire me somewhat to accept my invitation, right?
INNER TRUMP: You mean, with you being a false prophet and all.
TRUMP: Now you’re getting it.
INNER TRUMP: Sadly, we all are.
TRUMP: To be fair, maybe John was not directly supporting me. Maybe he was supporting the words of Jesus like, Trump should be on the one thousand dollar bill.
INNER TRUMP: Obviously, Jesus would never say that. In fact, the bible says we can’t serve God and money. Sound familiar?
TRUMP: Not at all. Sounds like Greek, with a side order of Obama’s fingernail’s across a chalkboard, to me.
INNER TRUMP: What about welcome the stranger?
TRUMP: What’s that?
INNER TRUMP: Feed the hungry?
TRUMP: Honestly, I don’t poll well with that demographic, so…
INNER TRUMP: The bible encourages compassion and empathy for others.
TRUMP: Those concepts are as alien to me as the people I’m trying to deport out of the country.
INNER TRUMP: Well, Jesus would not approve.
TRUMP: Well, if his name is Jesus ( Hey-Seuss), then he’s probably already been deported.
TRUMP: We did it! We passed the-
INNER TRUMP: Big, Bullshit Bill, we know.
TRUMP: I’m so proud to-
INNER TRUMP: Kick millions of people off their healthcare and give tax cuts to millionaires and billionaires who don’t need them, while adding $3.4 trillion to the federal deficit?
TRUMP: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds…
INNER TRUMP: Heartless and cruel?
TRUMP: No, multi-tasktic!
INNER TRUMP: That’s not even a word.
TRUMP: Says who?
INNER TRUMP: Says Webster’s.
TRUMP: Who, that little kid from that 80’s TV show? What the hell does Gary Coleman know about words? I know words.
INNER TRUMP: Ah, that was not Gary Coleman, you’re thinking about Emmanuel Lewis.
TRUMP: Right, and what makes him such a master of words, just because he led a march across a bridge with a bunch of troublemakers?
INNER TRUMP: That would be civil rights leader and former congressman, the late John Lewis. And he’s made some pretty good speeches in his life time filled with some pretty damn good words.
TRUMP: Yeah, but I’ll bet you none of his speeches ever contained impressive words, like the ones I use. And I use these words with orgasmic enthusiasm! Words like… vermin, dictator, fascism, and Jeffrey Epstein.
INNER TRUMP: You know, for the first time in a long, long, long, long, lonnnng time, you’re probably right.
THEND
NARRATOR: Hello, today we’re speaking with Billy Backwash. Hello Billy.
BILLY: Hello.
NARRATOR: It has come to the attention of the WormHole Square staff that you are not happy.
BILLY: No, I’m not.
NARRATOR: And why is that?
BILLY: Because I’m backwash. I’m the liquid portion left in the cup, or bottle that is not consumed. I’m constantly left alone to feel nothing but rejection and disrespect.
NARRATOR: I see. But you are what you are, Billy. Your lot in life has been cast and the parameters are narrow.
BILLY: Yeah, I get that. And I’ve come to terms with being the part of the drink that nobody wants. But it’s the non-backwash related disrespectful situations I need addressed.
NARRATOR: Such as?
BILLY: Such as, people calling me Fredo whenever I walk into an Italian restaurant.
NARRATOR: I see.
BILLY: And having my shoes spat upon while I’m in that Italian restaurant.
NARRATOR: Well, if this was spittle from a complimentary shoeshine from a someone employed specifically for such a service, then I don’t see that as a sign of disrespect.
BILLY: It was the waiter.
NARRATOR: Oh… well, perhaps he had a feeling that you were an inadequate tipper.
BILLY: I’m a great tipper. Ask any one.
NARRATOR; I’m sure, I’m just saying-
BILLY: And sometimes the Maitre D’ spits on my shoes if he or she has the right angle.
NARRATOR: Now that’s uncalled for.
BILLY: It most certainly is.
NARRATOR: Billy, and what specifically, if anything, are you doing when these incidences occur? I mean, are you being rude or… telling jokes that involve uncircumcised penises or losing money at an unlicensed carnival?
BILLY: No, no, nothing like that.
Billy thinks for a moment. Ah, he has it.
BILLY: Wine, I’m always drinking wine.
NARRATOR: And do you always finish each glass of wine?
BILLY: No, as to not be perceived as a raving drunkard, I always leave a small portion in the bottom of the…
END
TRUMP: I’m going to impose a five million percent tariff on China!
INNER TRUMP: You have no idea what a tariff is, do you?
TRUMP: Of course I do.
INNER TRUMP: Explain.
TRUMP: A tariff is a guy who wears a tin star badge and gets a posse together to round up all the Mexicans, gang members, and illegal horses in his town. Unfortunately, he gets shot by Bob Marley and Antifa.
INNER TRUMP: No, that would be a sheriff. You’re confused as usual.
TRUMP: The town used to be full of illegal horses. The sheriff does such a great job that now it’s literally a one horse town. So great, so great.
INNER TRUMP: You’re wrong, try again.
TRUMP: Oh, wait, the crooked, main stream media used AI to make it look like I just said something stupid.
INNER TRUMP: You did just say something stupid. So… tell us, what is a tariff?
TRUMP: A tariff is an area paved with terrazzo stones, next to the White House, where lobbyist, foreign leaders, and mafia types, sit around, drink wine, and talk to me before they pay me bribes.
INNER TRUMP: I think you mean terrace.
TRUMP: Yeah, that’s what I said.
INNER TRUMP: Wrong again. Okay, last try, what is a tariff?
TRUMP: I’ll give you one last great, beautiful answer, okay. Even though my two previous answers were perfect. Everybody knows, especially me, that a tariff is a crazy guy that blows things up, including himself, in order to spread fear and chaos.
INNER TRUMP: I think the word you’re thinking of is terrorist.
TRUMP: That’s what I said.
INNER TRUMP: Exactly.
PENICILLIN: Hey wait, UTI, what are you doing back here?
UTI: Oh, I’m sorry… I was looking for the Sistine Chapel. Is this not the Sistine-?
PENICILLIN: You know darn well this is not the Sistine Chapel. This is the Urinary Tract, and you’re trespassing… again.
UTI: I’m sorry, sir, but you have me mistaken for someone else. I’m not a UTI. I’m a badminton historian from Ohio, who’s looking for the Sistine Chapel.
PENICILLIN: Your name is Ulysses T. Ingram and you’re a UTI.
UTI: My name is Gary, and I’m a badminton historian from Ohio.
PENICILLIN: Okay, prove it, show me your identification.
UTI: I’m sorry, I don’t seem to have my identification on me at the moment. I must’ve dropped it back near the Kidney Stones.
PENICILLIN: If you do not vacate the premises immediately, I must release a lethal dose of preventative action against you, sir.
UTI: Wait, what can I do to prove to you who I am?
PENICILLIN: Where did badminton originate?
UTI: Badminton, or Battledome and Shuttlecock as it was called, was played for centuries in Ancient Greece, China, and India. Later, it was taken from India to England and popularized by the 9th Duke of Gloucertershire, Henry Somerset, in 1873. 
The first championships were held in 1899. The BWF, or Badminton World Federation, was formed in 1934. Shall I go on? Can I go now?
PENICILLIN: Not so fast, bro. One more question before I let you through.
UTI: Okay.
PENICILLIN: How much does a shuttlecock weigh?
UTI: Easy, 0.16 ounces.
PENICILLIN: 0.17 ounces! You almost had me, but no!
UTI: Dammit! Okay, I’ll leave, but I’ll be back. As long as your client keeps wiping back to front, I’ll be back.
THE END
RT: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
SHADOW: What do you mean you people?
RT: Nothing… I heard that line in a movie once, and I thought it applied to myself, but threefold.
SHADOW: Yeah, I see what you mean… threefold. Did these things have anything to do with “attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion?”
RT: No.
SHADOW: Did you ever watch “C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate?”
RT: Everything I watch is in the dark… and there is never, ever, ever anything glittering near the gate.
SHADOW: Don’t curse the darkness, embrace it.
RT: Nope, I think I’ll curse it.
SHADOW: Well, my time here has come to an end. I assume you’ll be seeing, or not seeing, one of my colleagues on you next assignment.
RT: Where are you going?
SHADOW: I’m off to a my next gig.
RT: Which is?
SHADOW: I’m providing the darkness on Ridley Scott’s next movie.
THEND
This week, WormHole Square will update on Thursday, October 17th.
WITCH: My broom is in the shop.
BIRD: Oh… that’s unfortunate.
WITCH: Yeah, for some inexplicable reason, the darn thing stalled out on me in mid flight. I had to make an emergency landing yesterday. I almost died.
BIRD: So… are you riding a Shopvac now?
WITCH: No, this is a vacuum cleaner, you idiot.
BIRD: Your riding a vacuum cleaner and I’m the idiot?
WITCH: Don’t mess with me, bird, I’ll turn you into a toad.
BIRD: Again?
WITCH: Again? ( thinks ) Wait… I thought you looked familiar. I did turn you into a toad. I turned you into a toad because you…
BIRD: I stood you up on a date two years ago. I used to be a six foot man.
WITCH: A man with six feet? Seems like I did you a favor.
BIRD: You did not! Anyway… you turned me into a toad because I stood you up. And then about a year ago, you turned me into a bird because I stood you up again.
WITCH: Exactly! And now look at you, a goofy-ass bird flying aimlessly to nowhere.
BIRD: How long will this current curse last?
WITCH: It will last as long as you want it to last.
BIRD: What does that mean?
WITCH: It means you have the power to lift the curse. All you have to do is go out with me on one date.
BIRD: Go out with you on one date and the curse will be lifted?
WITCH: Yes!
BIRD: Go out where?
WITCH: Take me to Popeye’s Chicken for a nice sit down meal and I’ll lift the curse.
BIRD: I can’t go to Popeye’s Chicken… for reasons you have obviously overlooked.
WITCH: Okay, well, then no deal, the curse remains indefinitely. Your loss.
BIRD: Okay, fine! I was getting used to being a bird anyway.
WITCH: Revenge is sweet.
BIRD: Yep… especially when it involves sabotage, gravity and a broom.
WITCH: What?
The bird flies off quickly.
THEND
This week, WormHole Square will update on Thursday, October 10th.
ACORN: Sir, have you ever considered collecting vintage comic books instead of acorns?
SQUIRREL: Why would I do that? I’m collecting these acorns to get me through the coming winter.
ACORN: Yeah, it’s good to have short term goals. But it’s even better to have long term strategies that will get you through, not only the winter, but through many, many winters.
SQUIRREL: Well, I can eat acorns, I can’t eat a vintage comic book.
ACORN: No doubt, no doubt. However, some of those first editions are rumored to be quite tasty. ( chuckles ) My point is… every fall you go around collecting acorns and it amounts to little more than a cyclical, vicious cycle. It’s pointless and redundant, would you not agree?
SQUIRREL: Yup, just like the next to the last thing you just said. Are you trying to call me stupid or something?
ACORN: Oh, no, no, no, I would never call you stupid, Mr. Squirrel, sir. It’s just that…
SQUIRREL: What?
ACORN: Respectfully, you don’t have to collect vintage comic books per se. It could be rare coins, stamps, or Pokemon cards, for instance. All of which could pay a large dividend down the road to subsidize, and the ultimately replace, your acorn habit.
SQUIRREL: I like acorns.
ACORN: No, doubt, no doubt. But once you cash in on these other alternative collections, you’ll have so much money, you’ll be able to live off more than just nuts.
SQUIRREL: I like acorns.
ACORN: Acorns have no value!
SQUIRREL: Oh, okay, I see what’s going on here.
ACORN: What do you see?
SQUIRREL: You’re trying to turn me off of acorns… so that I won’t try to collect you… store you up in my tree, and eat you sometime in the dead of this winter.
The Acorn stalls.
ACORN: No, you don’t want to eat me. I’m rotten under this pristine shell, the result of a nasty Sepsis infection gone buck wild.
SQUIRREL: Right… lucky for you, I’ve already got enough acorns for the winter.
ACORN: You have enough acorn for the winter, you say?
SQUIRREL: Yup, I’m all set, and don’t try to get me to release these here acorns I got in my arms at the moment.
ACORN: Yeah, I don’t know any of those acorns, so I don’t really care what happens to them.
SQUIRREL: You’re a heartless little bastard, aren’t you?
ACORN: Not really, because I can tell from here that those acorns in your arms are empty inside.
SQUIRREL: Like I believe that.
ACORN: Like my ex-wife!
SQUIRREL: What?!
ACORN: How is it that you can carry all those acorns at once?
SQUIRREL: I’m strong.
ACORN: You’re weak… the acorns are empty, ravaged and hollowed out by Sepsis! Listen to me, you fool! We go way back. Would I lie to you?
SQUIRREL: We’ve been talking for five minutes. I don’t even know your name, and yes, you would lie to me!
ACORN: Okay… fair enough.
SQUIRREL: And by the way… I already own a 1940’s, copy of the Amazing Spiderman #15.
ACORN: Really?!
SQUIRREL: Yup, mint condition.
ACORN: You said you didn’t own any vintage comic books, so you lied to me.
SQUIRREL: No, I didn’t. I said I couldn’t eat a vintage comic book. Because a two million dollar meal would be very hard to digest.
The Squirrel runs off, leaving the Acorn in stunned silence.
END
Questions? Go to the 'About Comic Strip' page for answers to why this strip exists, or go there just to find the solutions to life's mysteries in general.
