TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE EYES ( Part 1 of 2 )
A GROUP of friends are assembled on a park bench. From left to right, they are MW, COURTNEY, BENTO, and ZERACODY. Courtney has a dazed look about him, and the group is quick to address it.
BENTO: ( to MW ) What’s the deal with Courtney?
MW: This dummy looked directly into that eclipse last week without any eye protection, and he’s been sitting on this bench like this ever since.
BENTO: ( to Courtney ) Courtney, is that true? Tell me you didn’t do some dumb shit like that, did you?
MW: He can’t talk. He’s in some kind of trance, or coma, or state of mental bankruptcy right now, because of the eclipse.
BENTO: ( to MW ) Did you watch the eclipse last week?
MW: Yeah, I watched it, but I used eye protection.
BENTO: Sunglasses?
MW: Sunglasses and I wrapped condoms around them just to be sure.
BENTO: How’d it work out?
MW: Good… except now every time I look into the sun I get an erection. Is that weird?
BENTO: Yeah, and that could be problematic at the beach.
MW: Or near the window in the line at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
BENTO: Oh yeah.
MW: Did you watch it?
BENTO: Yes, and like you I used eye protection.
MW: Sunglasses?
BENTO: Yup… and sunscreen lotion.
MW: You put sunscreen lotion on the sunglasses?
BENTO: No… in my eyes.
MW: Did it burn?
BENTO: Not really.
MW: Sting?
BENTO: Nope.
MW: Make your eyes water?
BENTO: Not at all.
MW: Huh… seems like putting sunscreen lotion in your eyes would definitely cause problems.
BENTO: Not if you spray a protective layer of WD40 in your eyes first.
MW: Okay, now that make perfect sense, sunscreen lotion protection, improved range of vision, and a reduction in ocular squeaks.
BENTO: Exactly!
Bento pivots his attention back to Courtney.
BENTO: Damn, he looks really bad. Are those blisters on his eyeballs?
MW: I think so. Either that… or they’re fish eggs.
ZERACODY: Those are most certainly NOT blisters… nor are they fish eggs!
MW: Well, what are they then?
ZERACODY: Those are what I like to call… visionary memory sacs.
BENTO: Visionary memory sacs?
ZERACODY: Yes, it’s the optic nerve and the retinal ganglia cells reacting to a lack of visual stimuli.
BENTO: Meaning?
ZERACODY: Courtney’s optic nerve is working twice as hard in an attempt to process visual information.
MW: Meaning?
ZERACODY: His eyeballs are sweating.
BENTO: What the f-?!
MW: Nonsense, just because you’re blind doesn’t make you and expert on eyes.
BENTO: Yeah, that would be like… a man with no hands giving advice on juggling.
ZERACODY: Juggling what?
BENTO: Bowling pins and chainsaws.
MW: An axe, a tea kettle and a seven cufflinks.
ZERACODY: Well, maybe not on that, but he could most certainly give advice on how to juggle a new career versus family, right?
MW and Bento look at each other, dumbfounded.
MW: ( to Zeracody ) Whatever.
Bento gestures to Courtney.
BENTO: What are we gonna do about this?
MW: Rub some antiperspirant in his eyes?
BENTO: Yeah, let’s put some roll on antiperspirant in his eyes.
COURTNEY: I’m allergic to roll on antiperspirant.
They all look at Courtney.
MW: Courtney, you’re back!
COURTNEY: Yes.
BENTO: Where’d you go, do you remember anything?
COURTNEY: Not much. ( thinks ) There was the eclipse…
MW: Right.
COURTNEY: And then people coming and going… sunset… sunrise… sunset… sunrise. But nothing out of the ordinary.
BENTO: Okay.
Courtney thinks a bit deeper.
COUTNEY: Oh, wait… there was that striped bass…
MW: Striped bass?
COURTNEY: …. in a tux…
BENTO: In a tux?
COURTNEY …who walked up on land, hopped up on the bench… and then hopped up on my shoulder… and then onto my face…
ZERACODY: On your face?
COURTNEY: … and laid tiny fish eggs in both my eyes.