Last Tuesday, Dudley Spates, 44, purchased a pair of boxer shorts from a local thrift store.  A week later he had some serious misgivings about his purchase.

               “The problem wasn’t the itchy, hairy, red sores that formed on and around my man-junk about ten minutes after I put on the shorts,” Dudley says.  “Not only did I have crabs and all types of what not creatures in my shorts… I had a few small lobsters, and a crayfish wearing a FUBU jacket in there too.  I know it’s hard to believe.  But I had the authorities check it and sure enough the FUBU jacket was authentic.  But the main gripe I have is that the boxers have some stripes missing from the pattern on one side, and it makes it very difficult to attract women.  I don’t know, I think the asymmetrical vertical stripes have some kind of negative, psychological, subconscious affect on women that makes them shy away from me… in droves.”

                  Dudley scratches his forehead, and then his private area, continues.

                “I mean, I’m a risk taker.   I like to gamble and I’m frugal, so the thrift store was the perfect place to buy underwear.  I didn’t even wash then before I put them on.  But these boxers are killing my love life.  I’m forty-four.  I should’ve been married by now.  Or at least engaged.  Or at least befriended on FaceBook by any random stranger with an open mind, closed eyesight, low self-esteem, and rock-bottom expectations.”

              Worst of all, Dudley is unable to remove the boxer shorts because of some residual adhesive along the waist band that has merged into his skin.

                  “I’ve tried everything to get these damn shorts off, but nothing works.   Solvents didn’t work.  Sandblasting didn’t work.  And the exorcism was ineffective because the boxers are more than 50% polyester.”

                        For now… Dudley’s love life remains on hold.