Last week, Dennis the Spider had his web damaged when a twister, the size of a bowling trophy, touched down near his home.  He filed a damaged property claim with his insurance company, WormHole Square Mutual.  Unfortunately, his claim was denied.

                      “Basically, they rejected my claim because the contractor who installed my web did not get the required building permits approved by the city inspector,” Dennis said.

                  In addition, as a policy, WormHole Square Mutual does not cover damages to property that has been spun with spider silk imported from China… and has a Frank Lloyd Wright vibe in the design.

                     “They claimed the spider silk from China didn’t meet code.  But that’s just some corporate bullshit they said to get out of paying my claim,” Dennis says.  “I would have spun the goddamn silk myself, but I’ve got a silk gland problem, my doctor says.   I try, but the only stuff that shoots out of me is a blend of silk that is forty percent polyester, fifty percent tweed, and about ten percent pubic hair.  It’s not strong enough, like real silk, to hold up to the elements.  Who wants to fall through the kitchen floor at midnight getting a midnight snack of insect wings?”

                  In addition to the cost to repair his web, Dennis was also seeking to recoup other costs related to the property damage.  Unfortunately, he was not reimbursed for those costs either.

                  “Okay, so this is all about the fact that I’ve been getting complaints from the HOA for not paying my dues on time,” says Dennis.   “Aaaaand for leaving dead ants and flies outside in my web, often for more than two weeks at a time.   Okay, guilty as charged.  But what the hell does WormHole Square Mutual have to do with how I deal with my HOA?  It’s none of their goddamn business!  First, they hassle me about having Bianco tile in my foyer and now this?”

               Dennis has since begun a regiment of testosterone, vitamins B1 through B12, and binge watching the old TV show Adam 12, and plans to spin his own webs in the future.