Wimpy, beloved, chubby, grifter, was found shot dead in an alley on the west side, yesterday.

              “He owed everybody money,” says a man who wants to go by the name, Bill, to protect his identity. “He kept going around all the time asking people for a dollar, so he could buy a hamburger, and shit.  Then he would promise to pay everybody back on Tuesday. Gladly, the motherfucka would say.  This was an everyday thing for him, you understand?  It made for an untenable situation for all involved.  First of all, where you gonna buy a hamburger for a dollar round here nowadays – the dollar store?!”

   Bill throws his arms up in the air.  He goes on. “I was the one who found him.  I thought he was sleep, at first, right?  And the blood splatters on his shirt?  I seriously thought that was ketchup, for real.  The guy always had stains on his shirt- ketchup, mustard, semen, sriracha-soy, you name it.  Real talk – Wimpy was one of the sloppiest motherfuckers I ever saw. Yo, he was sloppier than a motherfuckin’ two year old after a bowl of Hennessy and Fruit Loops!”

       Bill takes a moment to carefully look up and down the block, continues.  “So… the word on the street is that Wimpy borrowed a dollar from, none other than, Pablo Escobar.”  He looks around cautiously, continues.”  And as usual, he promised to pay it back the next Tuesday.”  Bill shakes his head mournfully, then speaks in hushed tone.  “Well… Tuesday came and went…. and Wimpy ain’t amongst the living no more.  You connect the goddamn dots.”

    Pablo Escobar is not the only person suspected of killing Wimpy.

    “Yo, any one of the thousands of people he bummed a dollar from is potentially a suspect, in my book,” says Bill.

      Indeed, authorities have also named Bluto, Olive Oil, The Hamburglar, The Chick-fil-A Cow, Ellen DeGeneres, Yosemite Sam, Luca Brasi, and O.J., as persons of interest.
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“He even borrowed a dollar from me once,” says Bill. “Never paid it back.  Never mentioned it.  No nothing.  But, I didn’t kill him.  I just wrote it off on my taxes along with my gambling debts and my failed rake-less, leaf raking business.”

       After questioning many suspect and running down multiple leads, the police say they are no closer to finding the person/s responsible for killing Wimpy.  Bill starts walking off through the shadows, but stops to offer this backdoor question.

        “Yo, my failed rake-less, leaf raking business has left me a little flat. Can I hold a couple bucks, so I can run up here and get a chicken box, real quick?”