Yesterday, Dean Jordan, 55, went into, what he thought was a wart removal clinic, but instead came out with something he never imagined.  Below is what happened.

 

 

Wart Sculpture

INDIGO:  Wow, Mr. Jordan, you’re awake.  Soooooo what do you think?         

MR. JORDAN:  ( groggy ) Well, to tell you the truth, Indigo, I feel like I’m still under sedation right now…

INDIGO: Becaaaause…?

MR. JORDAN: Because the giant wart that was on my hand… the same wart you were supposed to remove… now looks like a replica of Michelangelo’s statue of David.

INDIGO:  I know, right!  I think it’s one of the best sculptures I’ve ever, ever, ever done.  So what do you think, man?

MR. JORDAN:  What?

INDIGO:  I want your honest opinion.  Don’t be afraid to hurt my –

MR. JORDAN: Are you out of your mind?  You were supposed to remove my unsightly, giant wart, not carve it into a piece of art!  Are you even a real doctor?

INDIGO: Oh, I’m not a doctor at all.  What ever gave you that impression?

MR. JORDAN:  You, you did!  You told me you could remove my giant, ugly wart.

INDIGO:  I did.  I removed it and replaced it with this beautiful work of renaissance art!

MR. JORDAN:  It’s a fucking wart sculpture!  Who’s ever heard of such a thing?!

INDIGO: Give it some time, Mr. Jordan.  You’ve got the rest of your life to get used to it.

MR. JORDAN:  The rest of my life?  You sound like this is a permanent thing.

INDIGO: Yes, and it’s a wonderful thing, man!  Unfortunately, I had to reposition the radial artery in you left wrist and attach it to the root of the wart.  So if the wart is ever removed you’ll probably bleed out in no time flat.

MR. JORDAN:  What?

INDIGO:  And then… I pulled the radial artery up through the leg of  David and embedded it into the base of his scrotum.

MR. JORDAN:  Why in God’s name would you do that?

INDIGO:  I felt the piece needed some added discomfort in order to capture just the right amount of contrapposto.

MR. JORDAN:  Contrapposto?  What the hell is that?!

INDIGO:  It’s what gives a sculptured figure that classic asymmetrical pose where the shoulders and hips are counter balanced gracefully.

MR. JORDAN:  Contrapposto… that sounds like some kind of Italian dish, risotto perhaps?

INDIGO:  Ahhhhhh, tempting, but that’s not really not important right now.  What’s important is that you keep your calendar clear next Saturday.

MR. JORDAN:  Why, so that this damn thing can heal?

INDIGO:  No, because you and the David wart sculpture have a show at the Walters Art Museum.

MR. JORDAN:  No way, no way, Indigo!  I’ve got a bowling tournament next Saturday.  No way I’m going to miss that.  I’m the anchor man!

INDIGO:  Hmmmmm… do you bowl with you right or left hand?

MR JORDAN:  Left… I do everything with my left hand.  I’m left handed. Why?  ( looks at sculpture on his left wrist )   Fuck!

INDIGO:  Yeeeeaaah, you’re gonna miss that bowling thing.

MR. JORDAN:  Oh my god, I can’t believe this shit!  This wart sculpture is gonna be so inconvenient for me.  I do everything with my left had.

INDIGO:  Everything?

MR. JORDAN: Yes, I bowl with it.  I admonish my pet turtle, Fitty, with it. I also wave insincerely to my neighbors with it, etcetera, etcetera.

INDIGO:  What else?

MR. JORDAN: ( embarrassed )  Well… there is one other thing, but I’m not comfortable saying it in the company of a woman.

INDIGO:  What?

MR. JORDAN:  You know.

INDIGO: What is it?

MR. JORDAN:  You know.

INDIGO:  No, I don’t know.  What else do you do with your left hand?

MR.  JORDAN:  I’m pretty sure you know.

INDIGO:  Could this activity be a euphemism for “admonishing your turtle?”

MR. JORDAN:  Huh?  No, I admonish my pet turtle, Fitty, when he flips on his back on purpose trying to look up my wife’s skirt.

INDIGO:  Nasty little turtle.

MR. JORDAN:  You mean- hard up, blind, and out of his mind, turtle.  Why would any living creature want to look up my wife’s dress?

INDIGO: Now THAT sounds like a euphemism for masterbation.

MR. JORDAN:  What?  No, that’s the exact opposite!  And that’s most certainly NOT what I was referring to in regards to my pet turtle, Fitty, and my left hand activities.

INDIGO:  Then what?

MR. JORDAN:  Flapjack flipping of course.

INDIGO:  You mean pancake.  Nobody says flapjack anymore.  And yes, I did notice some pancake batter residue on the left side of the wart base.

MR. JORDAN:  I was once the best flipper of flapjacks the world had ever known.

INDIGO:  Really, then why have I never known of you?

MR: JORDAN:  Because you were probably looking under pancakes.

INDIGO:  Touche´

MR. JORDAN:  See you Saturday at the Walters.

 

THEND