Yesterday, at approximately 1:45 PM, a velociraptor who was disguised as the Monopoly Man, breached WormHole Square High School and attacked substitute teacher, John Lacy.

                                “Honestly, I thought it was one of the students, at first,” says Mr. Lacy.  “You know, because of the violent nature of the attack and because the assailant had very bad grammar.”

                Eyewitness accounts suggest that the School Police Officers were derelict in their duties at the time of the attack.

               “Not true,”  says School Police Officer, Randy Ruckleshouse.  “I was in the cafeteria at the time of the incident, weighing the pros and cons of ordering something on the menu that vaguely resembled meat loaf.  When the distress call came over the radio, I did what any highly trained professional cop would do.  I ordered the meat loaf… with gravy.”

                     And there are a lot of questions as to how the velociraptor gained entry into the school in the first place.  A velociraptor with no ID, sporting a vintage moustache and wearing a top hat?  Really?  Who let this creature into the school?  Again, eyewitness accounts point to lax security screening by School Police.

               “Not true,”  again says School Police Officer, Ruckleshouse.  “How was I suppose to know that thing wasn’t a student?   Yeah, he had a moustache, but most of the kids in this school have been left back so many times, they all have moustaches.  Even the girls!”

                      Mr. Lacy, who was grading papers at the time of the attack, says the whole ordeal has him second guessing whether or not he wants to continue being a substitute teacher.

                    “I just don’t know if I have what it takes to be a teacher at the high school level anymore,” Lacy says.  “I’ve become jaded and… well, not having arms is going to make certain requirements like, lesson plans, pointing to the blackboard and beating erasers, a challenge.  I took this job because I thought it was be safer than my old gig, which was disarming WWII floating mines.   Sure, I thought I might get shanked by one of the students, shot up by a deranged psychopath… or forced to sit through a PSTA meeting in its entirety.  But I never imagined getting mauled by a highfalutine miniature T-rex.”

                      The velociraptor in question is believed to be the same creature who has previously attacked an eighty-eight year old grandmother, a pimp, an Amish man, and a subway performer.  The velociraptor was last seen running through the school’s cafeteria, where it avoided the meat loaf and exited through a side, emergency door.