Last night, in the 400 block of South Broadway, a pimp known as Royal Flush, was attacked by a velociraptor, who was disguised as the Monopoly Man.

           “I thought that thing was a customer at first,” says working girl, Sprinkles, who witnessed the attack.  She takes a deep breath, continues.  “Dude walked up, green, scaly, ashy skin, looking like a giant lizard and shit.  Like… Shrek’s great, great, grandfather, but with a moustache, top hat and tail, right?   I didn’t know what it was.  I’m like – okay, I’ve seen uglier motherfuckas in this line of work before, so, whatever, man.”   She looks away, spits, continues.  “I’m not really even invested in this job anyway, you know what I mean?   Like…  I’m only doing this gig to raise the tuition so that I can go to school to become a walrus trainer.”

                       The velociraptor who attacked Royal Flush, is believed to be the same creature who attacked an Amish man in Pennsylvania a few months ago.  During last night’s attack, Royal Flush reportedly tried to fend off the creature by bitch-slapping and putting his foot up the velociraptor’s ass, but without success.   Royal Flush apparently also tried to bargain with velociraptor to stop the attack.

           “He offered the big lizard 200 dollars and exclusive territorial rights to operate a brothel on Ventnor, Marvin Gardens and Atlantic Avenue, all without retaliation,” Sprinkles says.  The velociraptor expressed no interest in the offer, according to other eyewitnesses.

                   “That big lizard thing just continued ripping Royal Flush to pieces,”Sprinkles adds.  “That creature probably thought Royal Flush was an ostrich or something, because of that mink coat he was wearing.  Feathers, fur, and flesh flying everywhere.  Crazy, man!   After the big lizard finished chewing up Royal Flush’s spleen, he  took his gold chain… his Black & Mild cigarettes, and then he took off down the street.”

                 Authorities report that the velociraptor is still at large and should be considered extremely dangerous.   Suspect was last seen running eastbound on Baltic Avenue with a size 10 Bruni Magli patent leather shoe sticking out of his ass.