Justin Bibbs Jr., 28, an unarmed slice of toast bread, was shot and killed by Wonderbread officer, Derek Davenport, last week.

                 “We have conducted a complete and thorough 18 minute investigation of the incident and have found no evidence of illegal use of force by Officer Davenport,” says Chief Mac Muffin.

                   However, video evidence shows Officer Davenport shot Mr. Bibbs, while Bibbs had his hands up.  In fact, the video shows that Mr. Bibbs got up on stilts, put on big, bright, white Mickey Mouse gloves, and then put his hands up.  At which point, Officer Davenport shot him multiple times.   Apparently out of ammo, Officer Davenport then droves 5 miles back to the police station, where he signed out a box of ammo, and a jelly glazed donut topped with coconut sprinkles and nuts.   Officer Davenport returned to the scene 20 minutes later, where Mr. Biggs was still laid in the street, and proceeded to fire an additional 18 rounds into his body.

                    “Contrary to overwhelming and damning video evidence, Officer Davenport only fired once at Mr. Biggs,” asserts Chief Mac Muffin.  The Chief wipes his brow, continues.   “The coroner’s report determined that the multitude of bullet holes found in the victim most likely came from birds and, or,  advanced mold.”

               Although Mr. Biggs was unarmed, Officer Davenport claimed he shot him because Biggs aimed various weapons at him, which included, a Tommy gun, sword, and small caliber catapult loaded with rocks, water bottles and Fuck the Police chants.   The only items found on Mr. Biggs were a cell phone, 3 loose cigarettes and 5 M&Ms with peanuts.

               “Officer Davenport reportedly has a peanut allergy, which makes this shooting doubly justified,” insists Chief Mac Muffin.

                 Witnesses said Mr. Biggs could be heard on the ground saying,  I can’t breath.  I can’t breath, and that Officer Davenport refused to render aid.

                   “Officer Davenport thought Mr. Biggs was saying, I can’t read.  I can’t read,” says Chief Mac Muffin.  “At which time, he did what any good cop would do in that situation.  He recommended an excellent adult literacy program to Mr. Biggs.”

                  “Meanwhile, Officer Davenport has been placed on administrative leave for breaking department protocols #37 and #41,” says, Chief Mac Muffin.   “He signed out a box of ammo with a crayon… and he did NOT use cursive in his signature.  That cannot be tolerated.”

                As a result of the Biggs’ shooting, Officer Davenport has been given the Employee of the Month parking space and commemorative Bad Lieutenant & Training Day movie posters.

 

 

 

 

 (Black Lives Matter)

MW