A REPORTER OFF SCREEN, questions RUDY, the coal mine supervisor.

 

REPORTER:  Sir, can you tell us what happened here?

RUDY:  Canary dead, mine shut down.

REPORTER:  Isn’t this the same mine that was shut down years ago?

RUDY: Yes, in fact, this is the same dead canary from years ago.

REPORTER:  Well, what killed the canary?

RUDY:  Not sure, but from what I’m hearing, it’s because there’s something in the mine that’s spewing dangerous levels of vile, noxious, and toxic gas.

REPORTER:  You mean gaslighting killed the canary?

RUDY:  Yes, apparently, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

REPORTER:  Well, have they found the source of this dangerous gas.

RUDY:  Not yet, but the authorities suspect an old, ancient, orange substance inside the cave walls. Appears to be a combination of brimstone, magma, and MAGA.  And they also suspect millions of red hats made of cotton, polyester, and ignorance are fueling the gas.

REPORTER:  Well, how long will the mine be shuttered?

RUDY:  Not sure.  First we have to locate and then get rid of the source of the toxic gas.  And then, as always, we will have a community yard sale.   And then… we’ll throw the millions of red hats into the fire pit to produce enough energy to burn off the nitrous oxide.  And then when we get the all clear from the EPA, we’ll reopen the mine.   And then… as always… we’ll have another community yard sale.