A tree named Doug, has been arrested and charged with multiple counts of fraud in connection with an AARP membership scheme.

            “Simply stated, Doug fraudulently obtained a full AARP membership, and used it to receive full membership perks,” says States Attorney, Jill Cartwright.

                 Full AARP memberships are only valid to members who are 50 years of age or older.  Court records indicate that Doug was less than 50 years of age when he obtained his membership card and  full benefits.  Trees are aged by counting the visible rings inside the tree’s trunk.  Each ring represents 1 year.

               “Forensic evidence shows only 41 organic, legitimate rings inside Doug’s tree trunk, so he was only 41 years of age at the time he received his full AARP membership,” adds Ms. Cartwright.  “Further forensic testing has determined that 2 of Doug’s trunk rings were applied with a Sharpie.  3 additional rings were applied with a mascara brush.  1 ring was applied via Photoshop.  A bootleg DVD copy of Lord Of the Rings found inside his trunk, accounts for the additional age discrepancy.”

                 Charging documents state that Doug used his fraudulent,  AARP membership card to receive tens of dollars in discounts on dining at such places like, Dennys, Outback Steakhouse, and the Rainforest Cafe; his most frequented restaurant.   Doug also received discounts on Carnival cruises and movie tickets.

               “The most egregious infraction involved discounts off movie concession stand items, like jumbo popcorn and soft drink combos,” States Attorney Cartwright, added.   “As you know, 1 trip to a movie concession stand can cost thousands of dollars.  Mr. Doug used his illegally obtained AARP membership card 12 times to purchase snacks at concessions stands, defrauding AARP out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.  If everyone else has to pay $850 for a box of Milk Duds, so does Doug,” Cartwright adds with a dose of anger.

                Doug maintains that his AARP membership is legit, blaming the age discrepancy on a clerical error, dogs barking up the wrong tree, and his enemies, Woody the Woodpecker and Groot, throwing shade.