Yesterday, Elrod, a snail who sells thumbs via his self-drawn wagon, was fined $1850 for a bevy of infractions.

            “We found Mr. Elrod in violation of several ordinances, including selling hand digits (thumbs) without a permit,” said, officer Cindy Rockwell.  “The permit he showed at the time of the violations was actually a photocopied Century 21 real estate license, and was not even authorized to sell real houses, but only approved for sales of doll houses, chicken coops, and coleslaw, in the lower east village in Shanghai.  In addition, Mr. Elrod was also issued a citation for displaying expired tags, and for having excessively loud sounds of the ocean reverberating from under his shell.”

         Elrod’s wagon was eventually searched and several items were seized; thumbs and counterfeit thumbs among them.

           “Yes, we found contraband in the wagon that were not even thumbs, like fat fingers of old Italian mobsters, anorexic big toes of X-Benetton models, and curled corndog tips from the 1988 Iowa State fair-still in edible condition.”

          But, because the corndogs had been transported in the wagon, Elrod was issued yet another citation for transporting a combustible compound along the interstate without a permit.