Late last night, police put out an All Points Bulletin for the arrest of Shrek in connection to the killings of three billy goats, all of whom were on the endangered species list.

               “Correction, these deceased billy goats were not on the endangered species list,” says Detective John Samuelson.  “The detective takes a sip from an empty cup of prop coffee, continues. “These billy goats were actually part of the federal witness protection program… and all evidence points straight to Shrek as the perpetrator of these crimes.”   Another customary sip from his cup, and the detective continues.  “Yes, Shrek had a solid alibi, corroborated by two eyewitnesses, including Jesse Smollett, and a semi-retired lighthouse keeper.  And no, there is zero physical or forensic evidence linking Shrek to these crimes.   But he had motive.  Shrek is a troll and this is what trolls do.  They kill and eat billy goats.  There was also hot sauce, tooth picks and a twenty percent tip left at the scene of each crime.”

           Shrek, who has been on the run since late yesterday, proclaimed his innocence via twitter.

               I am innocent of these false charges.  This is a case of mistaken identity.  I am not a troll and I do not eat billy goats.  I am an ogre and I eat mostly rats… or ramen noodles… if it’s in-between a pay week.  Yes, I did hang out with these billy goats on occasion.  And yes, I have had heated arguments with them in the past about the pros and cons of wearing polyester pants on hot leather seats, but I did not kill them.   And certainly, the rumors about me having a prior romantic relationship with these goats is also false.  I’m not attracted to billy goats in that way.  Sure, I think Billie Eilish is attractive in a broodingly, clueless way.  And hell yes, I would do Billy Joel if the lighting was just right.  And as always, hillbillies ( except the ones in that Deliverance movie ) are a viable option for romantic interludes.  Again, I am innocent of these charges.  I have a group of activists working on my behalf to prove my innocence, which includes,  Johnny Cochran’s former yoga instructor and members of the Green Lives Matters group.  Meanwhile, I am not hiding out in the swamp.  Don’t look for me there.