Last week, Florida Public Health officials confirmed that someone in the state had contracted a very rare brain-eating infection that was caused by a living amoeba.

                  “This is a single-cell amoeba, so we’re actually talking about just one culprit here,” says Florida Health official, Ron DeSalvo.  “An APB has been put out for this individual, last seen in this swampy area here, picking his teeth with a bobby pin, before disappearing under the water.”

                The brain infection known as Naegleria Fowleri is extremely rare, with less than 150 total cases reported in the U.S. since the 1960’s.  This, according the Center for Disease Control, and Vanna White, who normally only turns letters, but has been known to turn the occasional number or two if the situation is serious enough.

                   The amoeba enters through the nose, and left untreated, can progress into a tragically, deadly infection known as amebic meningoencephalitis.  It can also lead to cocaine-inspired flashbacks of 1980’s music and fashion, which can be even more tragic.

                 “Yeah, it starts eating away at the brain matter until the individual is rendered incapable of any educated thoughts,” says, Mr. DeSalvo.   “The amoeba is usually found in warm, fresh water lakes, ponds, and swamps where Trump MAGA rallies are often held,” says, Mr. DeSalvo.  He goes on.  “Yes, and anyone who has ever snorted cocaine with Billy Ocean or Muddy Waters is at an even greater risk of contracting the infection,” adds DeSalvo.   “The amoeba also thrives in swimming pools, hot tubs, and Neti pots.  The amoeba has also been found in tea pots containing the rare teabag flavor, Ginger Amoeba Chamomile.“

                    Symptoms of amebic meningoencephalitis include, nausea, fever, vomiting, and sometimes catching an immediate erection and subsequent premature ejaculation at the sight of swastikas and confederate flags.