Last night, Nick Driver, an on call maintenance man, who moonlights as a Ninja, attempted to assassinate drug kingpin, Don Dingle, with tragic results. Here is the actual record of the encounter.
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT: CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED
DINGLE: Ahaaaaaaa! Thought you could sneak in and take me out, while I was fast asleep watching the Golden Girls marathon! Not to be, Ninja. Not to be.
NINJA: Dammit! These fucking keys keep giving away my cat-like, stealthy movements.
DINGLE: Yeah, you sound like a walking bag of nickles. I suggest you lose the keys before you try to whack anybody else in the future.
NINJA: Well, I would need a time machine for that, wouldn’t I?
DINGLE: Time machine for what?
NINJA: To whack somebody else… in the future.
DINGLE: (thinks for a second) No, you would not need a time machine, because you’d be whacking your victim at the same time of the act itself … which would be your present.
NINJA: You sure?
DINGLE: Yes, I’m positive!
NINJA: (thinks) But what about-?
DINGLE: What about… you put down the sword nice and easy-like, Ninja!
NINJA: (complies ) Okay.
DINGLE: Who hired you? Was it Joe Jefferson from the Westside group? Was it Banjo Batts from the CherryHill Squad?
NINJA: No, it was Mrs. Peterson from apartment 4-G.
DINGLE: Mrs. Peterson? The old broad with the long breast that she carries around in a wheelbarrow?
NINJA: Yup.
DINGLE: But why?
NINJA: The Golden Girls playing, volume up high, day and night on your TV… it’s driving her crazy.
DINGLE: Wow… it’s really that bad?
NINJA: Yup.
DINGLE: Okay… (reflects) I’ll turn it down. Problem solved.
NINJA: Okay… what about me?
DINGLE: Well… I’m not really sure. First, I was gonna blast you, but… my kitchen faucet’s been leaking for a couple days now… so I guess you can just take a look at it while you’re here.
NINJA: I can take a look at it, but I can’t fix it.
DINGLE: Why not?
NINJA: No tools.
DINGLE: No tools?
NINJA: No tools.
DINGLE: What kind of on call maintenance man goes around with no tools?
NINJA: I’m not… exactly on duty right now.
DINGLE: What do you mean? Oh-the whole ninja assassin thing. Right.
NINJA: Right. Plus you need to put in a service request through the help desk first.
(to be continued… )