Insomnia affects about 25% of the American population each year.  If you are one of the many folks who suffers from a lack of sleep, Nighty Nightzzzz, a new company, says it has several all natural methods that will cure your insomnia once and for all… or some of your money back.

        “Our methods are scientifically proven to put a muthafucka to sleep,” says Davis Lockhart, CEO, spokesman, and part-time parking garage ticket validator.  Mr. Lockhart lifts his hands into a marque spread and repeats. “Guaranteed to put a Muthafucka to sleep…or some of your money back!”

    Nighty Nightzzz features three different methods to help their clients cure their insomnia.  “The first one is called Boring-Ass Movie/ Boring-Ass Book,” Lockhart says.  Basically, this involves showing the client a VHS copy of the movie, Titanic, while Morgan Freeman reads annotated Cliffs notes from War and Peace.  “That’s enough to put a muthafucka in a soft coma,” Mr. Lockhart, says.

       If the first method doesn’t work, then method number two is administered.  It’s called Tyson’s Revenge. “Tyson’s Revenge is an all natural remedy that’s kept in the medicine cabinet, Lockhart, says. “When the client opens the cabinet, Mike Tyson pops out… filled with thoughts of how Don King allegedly stole 100 million dollars from him.  In addition, Tyson also thinks about the guy who talked him into getting that ridiculous tattoo on his face….POW!  The client goes down and doesn’t wake up until after the last season of Empire.”

     If method number two doesn’t work, then method number three is employed.  It’s called Michael Jackson’s Former Doctor Does His Thing….but Without the Whole Death Stuff.  “However, there are a few side affects with this method,” says, Lockhart. He continues.  “They include, moonwalking in your sleep, excessive grabbing of one’s crotch, and wet dreams about fucking Peter Pan.”