Gordon Rustin, 43, has gathered over 100,000 acorns in his quest to certify that he was reincarnated from a squirrel.

             “I’ve suspected that I might have been a squirrel in a former life ever since I began having non-sexual erections whenever I watched the The Adventures Of Rocky and Bullwinkle Show,” Gordon says.   He cracks open an acorn, pops its in his mouth, continues.  “Totally non-sexual, but that flying squirrel made my soul tingle, you understand?  It was my previous life in squirrel-crush form.   At first, I thought it might be Bullwinkle giving me the faux-boners, but I’ve only come to appreciate that moose’s  unassuming dry wit and nothing more.”

          Gordon cracks another acorn, pops it in his mouth, continues.

          “It was Rocky telling me of our kindred spirit.  I have all of the previous life-squirrel symptoms.   I have a lot of nervous energy and I move in short, twitchy spurts, which makes my day job as a hostage negotiator a big challenge.   When I’m walking, I often almost get hit by cars and become roadkill.  And I’ve got an extremely bushy tail, which keeps my back warm in the winter, but produces an unsightly harvest of dingleberries in the summer.”  Gordon eats another acorn, continues.  “And I love all types acorns, be it from a black oak tree, red oak, or whatever.  I also love anything that reminds me of acorns, like a penny, also known as… a coin.”

         Many squirrels in the region have threatened legal action and other forms of intimidation, because of Gordon’s tremendous abundance of acorns.  They see it as an unethical nut monopoly.

                   “It’s not fair that one guy should have so many acorns, while the rest of us have so few,” says Squirrel Union Local 237 rep, Chip Johnson.  “I get that he’s trying to prove a point.  Hey, sometimes I might feel like I coulda been a dragon in a past life, or whatever.  But, you don’t see me flying around burning down castles, and whatnot, to make a point, do you?!”

            For his part, Gordon has no plans to share his acorns, even after receiving multiple threatening letters and phone calls from the union.

       “I’m nut worried about those squirrels.  I keep my 100,000 plus acorns  secured in a vault along with my other valuables like, jugs of free range acorn juice, cases of Squirrel Nut Zippers candy, and my autographed copy of early 2000’s R&B singer, Akon.”