PERKINS
Your Social Security disability claim
was denied because, well… zombie is
not a recognized disability.
KENT
Why not?
PERKINS
It just isn’t, Mr. Kent… (looks at his file )
Kolvin.
KENT
Well, what types of physical conditions
are recognized?
PERKINS
Total blindness, for instance.
KENT
I’m totally blind in my right eye,
because, as you can see, I don’t
actually have a right eye!
PERKINS
But, you can see out of your left eye.
KENT
Yeah, but, only in monochrome… and
only reruns of Alf.
PERKINS
Still counts. Loved that show, by the –
KENT
I have jaundice!
PERKINS
Jaundice is not a qualifying condition
for disability benefits.
KENT
What about a jaundice outlook on
the world?
PERKINS
No. Look, we’ve all become more
cynical of the world since the
apocalypse. Doesn’t mean you
can’t work, Mr. Kolvin.
KENT
Thank you. My jaundice view of
the world just got worse!
PERKINS
The other reason for denying your
disability claim is because…
you’re dead.
KENT
Nooooo, I’m undead.
PERKINS
Not according to your medical report.
(reads from report ) Cause of death:
Apocalypse-related virus.
KENT
That report is bullshit. I’m undead!
PERKINS
That report is solid. It’s the official final
decree governing your case, sir.
KENT
So…. that’s it?
PERKINS
Fraid so, Mr. Kolvin. The only other
option I see, since you are dead,
is to have your spouse or minor
children collect your death benefits.
KENT
That’ll work! I don’t have any
children, but, I am married.
PERKINS
Okay, is you wife among the living?
KENT
Yes.
PERKINS
Okay, let’s take a look.
(opens folder and closes it just as fast)
Sorry, we can’t pay your spouse any of
your death benefits.
KENT
Why not?
PERKINS
Because you’re not dead.
KENT
But, you just said I was!
PERKINS
Did I? I don’t think so. Must be a bad
echo in this room, spewing out erroneous
information, combined with a, Who’s on first,
bureaucratic spaghetti web.
KENT
No, it’s you!
PERKINS
Disability benefits denied! ( stamps file, BAM! )
KENT
Why?!
PERKINS
Because you’re not totally disabled!
KENT
Are you kidding?! I walk around all
day in in a staggering stupor. My
organs have all shut down, and I
can no longer confidently
cite Shakespeare!
Perkins
Sorry.
KENT
(stands, recites Shakespeare)
How all occasions do inform against me!
PERKINS
Mr. Kolvin, please.
KENT
( recites )
My skin is peeling like a leper!
PERKINS
Now… ( checks a different file ) leprosy is
a recognized disability
KENT
Oh, come on!
PERKINS
You’re going to have to face reality,
Mr. Kolvin. You can’t claim disability
benefits because you’re not totally
disabled.
Kent sits down, the news sinking in.
KENT
Right.
PERKINS
You’re going to have to get back out
there and re-invent yourself in the
work place.
KENT
You’re right.
PERKINS
What was your occupation before
the apocalypse?
KENT
Middle school principal.
PERKINS
Really?
KENT
Yes, I’m still wearing the school blazer
after all these years.
PERKINS
Okay, that’s explains the smell?
KENT
(offended, recites )
O my offence is rank it smells to heaven.
( to Perkins ) Thank you, that’s helpful.
PERKINS
Look, just get back out there and find
a new occupation.
KENT
Yeah… but what?
PERKINS
You like Shakespeare and the
stage, right?
KENT
Yeah…
PERKINS
Maybe you could host a game show?
KENT
Host a game show?
PERKINS
Yes, a game show!
KENT
( interested )
You mean, like – The Price is Right with
Bob Barker?
PERKINS
Actually, I was thinking more like,
guess the weight, with the Carnival
Barker. You know, working as a carny.
But, not just any carny. You would be
a sophisticated carny, with the Bard as
your life.
Kent feels inspired.
PERKINS
Think of it as your great stage.
Kent slowly stands, a distant gleam in his jaundice eye.
KENT
(recites)
What light through yonder window
breaks? How sweet the moonlight
sleeps upon this bank. I am a merry
wanderer of the night!
(improvises)
Step right up! Step right up!
Knock down the milk bottles!
Three tries for five dollars!
Kent’s right arm falls off. All optimism evaporates from the room.
KENT
( to Perkins )
Okay, what else you got?
ThEnd