Cell phones have become as ubiquitous as sand in the shoes of a Sahara hourglass salesman.  But, there are still a few old fashioned, stand alone phone booths that remain in service to this very day.  And there’s an organization whose mission is dedicated to offering historic tours inside these glass monuments, to preserve the nostalgia.

                    “Okay… yes, this is a real working phone booth… and that smell?… well, that’s vintage 1970’s urine on top of a cheesesteak submarine sandwich with no pickles,” says, Marjorie Bates, Director of the WormHole Square Phone Booth Preservation Society.  She inhales deeply, exhales with near orgasmic release, continues.  “Ahhhh… the phone booth is not a just a glass box in which to make a phone call.  It is a respite, a shelter from the rain, sleet, bitter cold winds, and the occasional 17 year cicadas.”

                 And by a real, working phone booth, Ms. Bates means that the phone  ( by tradition ) only works sparingly and never when the call is urgent.  Ms. Bates schedules tours every Monday and presently has a reservation list of over 7 people, which includes a telephone repairman and the guy who replaces the broken glass.

                  “There is so much rich history in this phone booth,” Director Bates says.

                   According to the Preservation records, 53 stabbings, 19 overdoses, 4 live pelican auctions, and 1 decathlon, have all taken place inside this phone booth over the years.

                “Numerous 911 calls have been made from this phone booth, saving countless lives,” Ms. Bates adds.  She pushes a remote control button on the side of the phone booth, continues.  “The following is the recording of an actual 911 call that was placed from this phone booth on March 17th, 1977, at 2:53 am.”

                 AUDIO fills the phone booth.

911 DISPATCHER: 911, what is your emergency?                                                                                                CALLER:  Yeah, ah, I need the coast guard.                                     911 DISPATCHER:  The coast guard, sir?  What’s going on?CALLER:  Yeah, so… this boat just crashed up on the rocks.            911 DISPATCHER:  You said a boat just crashed up on the rocks?  Is that correct, sir?                                                           CALLER: Yeah.                                                                                            911 DISPATCHER:  Any injuries?                                            CALLER:  Ahhh, I’m not sure.                                                               911 DISPATCHER:  What’s your location?                           CALLER:  I’m in a phone booth.                                                           911 DISPATCHER:   Okay, I need you to be more specific, sir.  CALLER:  Oh… I’m in the middle of the phone booth… about eighteen inches from the front door.                                                    911 DISPATCHER:  No, I mean, where are-                         CALLER:  Yo, so this dude that looks like a cross between Captain Nemo and Captain Crunch just got out of the boat and now he’s walking towards me and he looks really pissed off!   911 DISPATCHER:  What is the man doing, sir?                 CALLER:  He’s pointing at me, yelling and screaming with crazy venom in his eyes… and he’s coming right towards me.  He’s got something in his hand!   ( inaudible ).  He just kicked in the phone booth door!      ( inaudible )  Stop, what are you doing?!                                          911 DISPATCHER:  Sir, sir, what’s going on, sir?!   ( click )            CALLER:  Help!  ( inaudible )  Oh my God, Captain NemoCrunch, just shanked me with a crab mallet!  ( inaudible )

                 “Unfortunately, not all 911 calls have fortuitous outcomes,” Director Bates quickly adds.  “Occasionally, tug boats run aground here when they mistake this phone booth for a lighthouse.”

               The victim on that 911 call was Daniel Pernasus and he has become a permanent, featured attraction inside the phone booth tour.

           “Mr. Pernasus has been preserved with formaldehyde and two pints of cognac,”  Ms. Bates says.  “I usually start the walking tours with a brief introduction into the history of the phone booth.  And then I show the tourists the classic features inside  the booth, the three glass walls, the dome light, and the bi-folding, often broken door.”

               Ms. Bates holds back a flurry of emotions, continues.

          “I get really glassy-eyed when I talk about the articulating, hernia-heavy, phone directory that pulls up and opens out onto a metal shelf.”    Ms. Bates once again inhales deeply, exhales approximated orgasmic reflection, continues.   “I save the very best highlight for last with a slide show…  when I talk about the 1001 varieties of germs that can be found on the telephone receiver.”