Last week, Larry Jordan, 48, attempted to rake up leaves in his front yard by using a vacuum cleaner.  A regular household vacuum cleaner.  But after two hours of diligent vacuuming, he found his yard had even more leaves on it than before he had started.   And after the tree whom had been shedding these leaves mocked him, the two engaged in a bitter back and forth.  We have the following transcript of the exchange between Larry and the tree below.

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT

LARRY- ( to himself )  Why is this NOT working?!

TREE – Because you’re using a vacuum cleaner, dumbass.  Ever heard of a rake, genius?

Larry turns off the vacuum cleaner.

LARRY – Yes, I’ve heard of a rake.  Why don’t you mind your own business, Tree?

TREE – I produce leaves, Larry.  This IS my business!

LARRY – Well, why don’t you stop producing so many leaves?  All this work is hurting my back.

TREE – Well, why don’t you tell your dog to stop pissing on my kneecaps?  All that urine is giving my roots arthritis!

LARRY- Trees don’t have knees.

TREE – And Larry don’t have common sense!

LARRY- That’s it!  You have exactly one more time to insult me and I’m gonna-

TREE – You’re gonna do what… chop me down, turn me into firewood, send me to the paper mill?   You ain’t gonna do shit, Larry.  Because I’m over fifty years old and I’m protected by the WormHole Square Arboreous Society.

LARRY- Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that story before, let you tell it.

TREE – What… you don’t believe me?

LARRY- Let’s just say I’ve heard some things about you.

TREE – Things, what things?

LARRY – Things – you know, things.

TREE – C’mon, what kind of things, Larry?

LARRY – Alright… like how you’re not just a regular tree.

TREE – But I am just a regular tree.

LARRY – Oh really?  Well, it’s mighty suspicious how you just appeared in my front yard one day out of the blue.  Where did you come from?

TREE – ( defensive ).  You planted me, don’t you remember?

LARRY – Nah, nah, I never planted you.   I’ve only been living here for twenty years, and you just said yourself that you’re over fifty years old.  That don’t add up.  It must be true.

TREE – What must be true?

LARRY – That you’re hiding out from the mob. ( points at the tree )  You’re in the witness protection program.

TREE – ( hushed tone ) Okay, okay it’s true, alright.  But you can’t say anything, Larry.  Please, Larry, you gotta promise me you won’t tell nobody about what you know!  I mean – I’ve been good to you Larry, haven’t I?!

LARRY – What?

TREE – I mean- I give you shade in the summer, don’t I?

LARRY – Yeah… and all these fucking leaves in the fall.

TREE – Okay, okay, I’ll stop. ( praying hands ) No more leaves, I swear!

LARRY – ( considers ) Okay… I won’t rat you out.  But what did you… ?

TREE – Well… long story short… about ten years ago, I was involved with a gang of oak trees.  We was producing elicit acorns and dealing them to squirrels and whatnot.

LARRY – Whaaaaat?

TREE – Yeah… and anyways, we got busted.  Them Feds was talking about ten years minimum. What?!  Yo, I’ve got soft bark in the back.  I can’t do time.  I testified against my crew and got full immunity, and so they put me in WitSec.  Here I am.

LARRY – Wow, no shit?

Larry and the Tree look at each other momentarily.

Tree – So now what?

LARRY – So now back to these leaves. ( turns on vacuum cleaner )

TREE – ( to himself )  Dumbass.