Last night, Stan, age unknown, scored the lowest point total in the history of game shows. Things got a little heated on stage between host Roy and Stan as the latter began to take the low score personally. The transcript excerpt below details some of what happened.
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT
HOST ROY: Okay, next question. Besides cheddar, swiss, or pepper jack, name a popular type of cheese?
Stan BUZZES in.
STAN: ( thinks ) Ah… ( snaps his fingers ) Chucky Cheese.
HOST ROY: Ennnnnttt, no! And once again your answer is demonstrably wrong.
STAN: What do you mean by that?
HOST ROY: By what?
STAN: That my answer is… “demonstrably” wrong. You’ve been saying that all night. Why can’t my answers just be “wrong”?
HOST ROY: No reason. Let’s continue, shall we? Kingdom, Phylum, Order, Family, Genus, Species. Name the omitted levels of animal taxonomic classification.
Stan BUZZES in quickly.
STAN: ( confidently ) 1040A and 1040EZ!
HOST ROY: Ennnnnttt, no! And once again your answer is demonstrably wrong.
Gloria BUZZES in.
GLORIA: That would be Class and Domain.
HOST ROY: Gloria, you are correct!
STAN: ( to Roy ) See, there, you just did it again with the whole “demonstrably” wrong thing. What’s up with that?
HOST ROY: No reason. Shall we continue?
STAN: No, no, we shall NOT continue. You’re trying to make a mockery out of me on national television like… I’m a some kind of monster – is that it?
HOST ROY: No, it’s because we, literally, had a cryonically frozen corpse on the show last week, and he had a higher score than you.
STAN: Well, everybody knows that cryonically frozen corpses are pretty smart, so…
GLORIA: ( to herself ) I didn’t know that.
STAN: … I don’t feel no shame in that. But again, it feels like you’re treating me like I’m some kind of monster. Why?
HOST ROY: No reason. Let’s continue, shall we? Next question… Who was the longest serving Monarch in British history ?
Gloria BUZZES in.
GLORIA: That would be Queen –
Stan BUZZES in forcefully.
HOST ROY: Not your turn, Stan.
STAN: Queen Nefertiti!
HOST ROY: Not your turn! ( points at Gloria ) Gloria continue you answer, please.
GLORIA: The answer is Queen-
Stan Buzzes in.
STAN: Queen Latifah, Roy! The answer is Queen Latifah.
HOST ROY: Not your turn, Stan! ( points at Gloria ) Gloria continue your answer please.
GLORIA: I’m sorry what was the question again?
STAN: ( to Gloria ) British blue blood stuff, for God’s sake! Pay attention!
GLORIA: Oh, I remember now. The answer is Queen-
Again Stan BUZZES In.
HOST ROY: ( points at Stan ) NOT your turn!
STAN: Queen of Diamonds, Dairy Queen, and Steve McQueen on a Queen size bed! And that’s a royal flush, Roy!
HOST ROY: Ennnnnttt, no, no, no, and hell no! And once again your answers are demonstrably wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong and WRONG!
STAN: Fuck, this ain’t fair, man! I’m a monster. My brain is the size of an earwax pebble! I didn’t go to school. I spent all my childhood years hiding under children’s beds trying to scare the living shit out of them. My guidance counselor never told me I needed to know stuff like this! Why in the hell am I even here on this stupid-ass show anyway?!
HOST ROY: Yes… why are you here, Stan?
STAN: Enough with your trick questions, Roy! Enough!
Stan walks off stage left.
STAN: Where’s the damn door out of this place?!
HOST ROY: ( to Stan ) That’s the utility closet.
STAN: ( off stage ) I know!
HOST ROY: And we’re out of time! And our winner is Gloria with a score of forty-seven thousand, five hundred. Join us next week and meanwhile….
Have a Demonstrably Merry Christmas!!