Yesterday, professional football player, Corey Jackson, 27, underwent a procedure to shrink his normal size head, down to a tiny head so that his new tiny head could fit into his tiny helmet. Unfortunately, the procedure was unsuccessful. In fact, instead of shrinking Corey’s normal head, the procedure actually enlarged Corey’s head three times its original size.
“I’m not sure what went wrong,” said Dr. Wuba, who performed the procedure. This was his initial comment. And despite admitting he has dyslexia, and that he had partaken in three rounds of guava, gin, and juice, minutes before the procedure, Dr. Wuba assured his patient, Mr. Jackson, that all protocols had been followed to the letter.
“I’ve been wearing this tiny helmet for five years now,” Mr. Jackson said. “It’s really a tight fit, and it causes me problems when I wear it. You know – like, headaches, dizziness, and the occasional hallucinations of purple gnomes building dams in the sky, made with wood from forsaken Ikea furniture. Horrible.” He went on. ” So then I heard about Dr. Wuba and all his great work at the WormHole Square Institute of Head Shrinking and Angry Bunion Reduction. So I decided to give him a try. That turned into a big mistake. Now my head is the size of a washing machine, and my life is now a living hell.”
And despite Dr. Wuba’s assurances, WormHole Square conducted its own follow up investigation of his procedure, and found numerous violations of quality control protocols.
“First of all, instead of working off of Mr. Jackson medical chart, Dr. Wuba had been referring to a recipe for Rice Krispy Treats,” said Mr. Bento, a writer at the WormHole Square NewsLike Blog. He went on. “Yes, Rice Krispy Treats are delicious, but any additional gluten or yeast during the head shrinking procedure can be highly problematic, according to the AMA Human Dome Reduction Institute. Additionally, for some odd ritualistic reason, Dr. Wuba had repeatedly struck Mr. Jackson up side the head with a partially frozen goat leg during the procedure, while chanting the theme song from The Big Lebowski, which enhanced the head swelling. And finally, Dr. Wuba’s medical license had already been revoked in WormHole Square due to past medical infractions such as, wearing unsanitary antelope belly skin mittens during medical procedures instead of latex gloves, and laundering Medicare payments into ox tail derivatives.”
As of this post, Mr. Jackson continues to play football with his enlarged head inside that tiny helmet.