A small office, cluttered, but somehow functional. JOHNY RUXTON sits at his desk perusing laptop content. He wears a long tie and vest that structures an otherwise unstructured look. Across the desk, LILLIAN DETNER, 40’s, her face pacing with concern. Off to Ruxton’s left is BENTO, a robot-like unit hovering in place. Lettering spells out Ruxton Investigations along the back wall.

RUXTON
So… this is where we are Mrs. Detner. Good news
with a dose of not so much.

MRS. DETNER
Okay…

RUXTON
First off… your husband is not cheating on you…

Mrs. Detner sighs, relieved.

BENTO
… with another woman.

MRS. DETNER

With another woman? What are you saying – he’s
having an affair with another man?

RUXTON
So…here’s the bad news.

MRS. DETNER
Okay…

RUXTON
Are you sure you’re ready to hear this?

Mrs. Detner drops her shoulders and then breaks brave.

MRS. DETNER
Yes.

RUXTON
Would you like some water?

MRS. DETNER
No, thank you.

RUXTON
Some tea perhaps?

MRS. DETNER
No.

BENTO
Some Pepto- Bismal and a shot of rum perhaps?

MRS. DETNER
Could we… just… get on with it, please?

RUXTON
Sure.

BENTO
How about some orange juice and a double liquid
valium chaser, perhaps? You’re gonna need it.

MRS. DETNER
Is it that bad?

RUXTON
Mrs. Detner, are you familiar with the term
dendrophilia?

MRS. DETNER
Dendro… ?

RUXTON
…philia. Dendrophilia.

MRS. DETNER
No, what is that?

RUXTON
Your husband has dendrophillia – also known
as arborphilia.

MRS. DETNER
What is that?

RUXTON
Basically, it’s a love of trees.

MRS. DETNER
Well, I love trees too. Charles and I both
love trees. We go to the National Cherry
Blossom Festival every spring. We both
love trees.

BENTO
(points to laptop)
Not like this!

MRS. DETNER
Not like what? What does he mean,
Mr. Ruxton?

RUXTON
Your husband likes to do… certain things
with trees.

BENTO
Close and personal things.

RUXTON
Intimate things.

MRS. DETNER
I don’t understand. What are you saying?

RUXTON
Okay, let me put this as delicately as I can.
Your husband likes to… (searches for words)

BENTO
…fuck trees! Your husband likes to fuck trees!
No other way way to say it!

Mrs. Detner gasps with shock. Ruxton frowns at Bento. Mrs. Detner
breaks brave again.

MRS. DETNER
I don’t believe you.

BENTO
Thems the facts, lady!

RUXTON
Please excuse my associate, Mrs. Detner.
His etiquette and empathy module has a
defective filter… (gives Bento a look) and he
tends to speak in inarticulate and crude terms
from time to time. It’s like a cyber-tourette
related malfunction.

BENTO
( to Mrs. Detner )
Yes, forgive me.

Ruxton turns the laptop around so she can view the screen. He scrolls down and explains as he goes.

RUXTON
So…here’s Mr. Detner making out… with a
red spruce.

MRS. DETNER
Oh my…

RUXTON
And here he is getting it on with a sycamore tree.

Mrs. Detner, speechless, stares, eyes bulging.

BENTO
( pointing)
And here – banging a slippery elm!

RUXTON
And right here – doing an eastern white pine.

BENTO
No, I think that’s a bristlecone pine.

RUXTON
( squinting )
No… pretty sure that’s an eastern pine.

BENTO
No way – ( in closer ) look how sparse those pine
needles are.

RUXTON
Yeah, that’s after Detner had his way with it.

BENTO
Okay, yeah, you’re right. Damn, looks like a
woodpecker went to town on that bad boy!

Mrs. Detner sits in stunned silence.

RUXTON
And finally, this is Mr. Detner, making love to a
black birch.

MRS. DETNER
( pained whisper )
That’s ridiculous. Making love? A man cannot
make love to a tree.

BENTO
Ah… clearly, lady, you have not been paying
attention to the pictures we all just saw!

Mrs. Detner glares at Bento.

BENTO
Ah- jungle fever alert in aisle five, please! It’s a
wonder your husband didn’t cause a motherfuckin’
forest fire with that much wood on wood action!

She turns away from Bento and back to Ruxton.

MRS. DETNER
What does this all mean, Mr. Ruxton? Why would
Charles do this? Why? ( reflects) This is my fault.

RUXTON
This is NOT your fault. For what ever reason,
your husband has a thing for trees. We can’t tell
you what it means, but this is the existential
evidence of what it is. What you decide to do
with it is up to you.

MRS. DETNER
( thinks )
It was all right there in front of me. All the signs
of infidelity. I didn’t want to face it. Tree sap on
his collar. Tree bark fragments in his moustache
and public hairs… and…. ( breaks down ) that
pine cone up his ass on our twentieth wedding
anniversary! ( composes herself )
What can I do to win him back?

BENTO
I don’t know… somedays you just can’t compete
with a pine cone up the –

RUXTON
Anywayyy… !

MRS. DETNER
I don’t want to lose my marriage. Twenty-two years,
three children. I don’t know what to do.

RUXTON
Maybe counselling… perhaps?

BENTO
Or… perhaps I might hazard another suggestion?

RUXTON
And what might that be? Tread carefully, mi amigo.

BENTO
Mrs. Detner, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

RUXTON
Bento…

MRS. DETNER
( turns to Bento )
Meaning…?

BENTO
I don’t know- maybe the occasional tri-orgy
should be on the menu.

MRS. DETNER
What are you saying, Mr. Bento?

RUXTON
Ah… I don’t think we want to go down this road

MRS. DETNER
( to Ruxton)
No, it’s okay. ( turns to Bento) Go on, sir.

BENTO
I’m talking about the occasional….
( expands his hands ) threesome.

Ruxton buries his face in his hands.

BENTO
You know – you, Mr. Detner and a Douglas
fir to named later.

RUXTON
Bento, c’mon!

BENTO
Just think about it is all I’m suggesting here.
( goes over to her, puts a hand on her shoulder )
How about you? Are you partial to deciduous
or coniferous trees?

MRS. DETNER
Coniferous.

BENTO
Well, there you go! I think that’s a start.

Mrs. Detner thinks, her face churning with possibilities, face softening.

MRS. DETNER
Thank you, gentleman… for everything.

She stands, collects her things.

RUXTON
Are you okay, ma’am?

MRS. DETNER
Yes, I think so.

RUXTON
So… what’s next for you?

She draws a thoughtful breath, exhales.

MRS. DETNER
A long overdue string of vacations sounds
good right about now.

RUXTON
Great, where to first?

Again, her mind chewing over the question, and then an exhale.

MRS. DETNER
Oakland.

She gives them a nod, turns and walks out the door.

 

 

TheEnd