Count Chocula, that purveyor of cold breakfast cereal, has been deported back to Romania by ICE for the thirty-fifth time.

      “I’m really not sure how he keeps getting back into the country,” says, Lance Lance, assistant to the assistant ICE Director. “This guy is the poster child for what’s wrong with illegals coming into this country.  They’re all blood suckers and they pimp super sugary breakfast cereals responsible for ADHC diabetes, and O.P.P.  They want to force their culture on us.  The next thing you know, we’ll all be sleeping in caskets and running away at the sight of garlic and steaks.  That is why we need a wall.”

         Count Chocula claims that he has been unfairly targeted because of one specific reason.  “It’s the chocolate thing, of course,” he says.

          And there may be some validity to his complaint. For instance, according to official Immigration records, ICE knows, for a fact, that Captain Crunch, who is from Norway, has been in this country illegally on a bogus marriage green card for decades.  In fact, Captain Crunch came to the United States from Norway, on a raft made from an old barn door, cereal box tops, and enormous amounts of riboflavin. Again, Count Chocula.

       “Yeah, and Captain Crunch hasn’t been deported – not once.  Me – they’ve deported my brown ass over thirty times!”

     Yet, Count Chocula remains defiant. “It’s okay.  I’ll just change myself into a bat and fly back into the country like I always do.  They can build a wall one thousand feet high and I’ll still get back in.”