Last night, WormHole Square Police were investigating the scene of multiple suspicious deaths a local nursing home.

                   “I have never seen anything like it in my twenty-five year career as a homicide investigator,” said Detective Sergio Spiggleman.  He went on.  “As of right now we’ve got several deaths at the crime scene, and the main suspect, so far, appears to be a lone ceiling fan.  Our preliminary investigation suggests that the ceiling fan possibly malfunctioned and that the fan blades began spinning out of control at speeds of over five thousand RPMs.  At which point, all but one of the fan blades came loose from the housing, striking multiple elderly victims as they were going about their daily routines.  The other theory suggests that the ceiling fan deliberately targeted the seniors in a act of revenge because or unpaid bingo gambling debts owed to him.”

                       The only fan blade that did not come loose from the housing was a witness to the entire tragic event and gave the detectives the details.

                 “Yeah, so the next thing I know, we’re doing like fifty, a hundred, two hundred, a thousand revolutions per – you know?” said Ralph, the fan blade.”  He continued.  “Now, that’s like a dangerous speed.  And I’m like – yo, what the fuck is happening!?  I look to my left and Paul has passed out, and then he comes loose and lands in Mr. Campbell’s back like a damn dart.  And then Mr. Jones took a fan blade to the chest as he’s finishing up a cup of pudding.  Then Mrs. O’leary took a fan blade to her dome while working on the same crossword puzzle she’s been working on since last August.  By the way, what’s an eight letter word for A FLEA’S MUSCLES?  Nobody knows.”

                   Police advise that there is still one ceiling fan blade that has not been accounted for, and have named it a person of interest in connection with this crime.

                        “We want to talk to this missing fan blade to see what he knows,” said Spiggleman.  He went on.  “We have unconfirmed reports that this missing fan blade may have assaulted several residents before fleeing the scene by cracking them on their knuckles, Catholic school nun style.   We’ve also been told that the fan blade committed property damage as well, by knocking over the AARP brochure stand, resulting in damages totalling $58.20.  We also have reports that this fan blade was last seen working as a kayak paddle up in the Adirondacks.  However, this information has not been confirmed at this time.”

                WormHole Square Police are asking anyone with any information on the whereabouts of the missing ceiling fan blade to call them on their semi-anonymous tip line.