Yesterday, Travis Belcher, a bar of soap, filed a complaint with the WormHole Square Labor Commission under the Occupational Health And Safety Act, citing unreasonable and hazardous working conditions.

                   “My work assignment was to wash a three hundred and fifty pound sumo wrestler,”  Mr. Belcher says.  “I’ve had jobs in the past that put me in some dangerously, nasty places like, Afghanistan, where I had to scrub the hands of Afghan opium, poppy farmers, inside a horse trough, while being shot at by the Taliban.  I’ve also had to scrub the hands and faces of Iraqi oil well workers, inside a wishing well tainted by fracking and the bathwater runoff of Saddam Hussein.  That’s right, a nickel would get you clean hands and a hope and a prayer of living to age thirty.  And a dime would get you a clean buttocks and hopes of  living to age thirty-one.”

              Mr. Belcher remembers, drops his head with residual dread, continues.

              “But this sumo wrestler washing gig was by far the worse.  I mean – working conditions that were so dark, dank, and confined, with unbearable humidity so wet and heavy that only a mosquito in a scuba suit could survive.  All this after the guy had just finished a sumo wrestling match that went into triple overtime.   Operating in those tight, grimy, crevices was like navigating through a crack-alley in Baltimore City at midnight,” Belcher laments.  “We’re also talking sweaty arm pits lined with enough hair to upholster a full-sized futon.  And I’m not one hundred percent sure… but I think the guy had at least three asses.   I’m not sure that’s even legal outside of the state of Georgia.”

            Mr. Belcher’s complaint is still under review by OSHA investigators at this time.