Labor union leader, Jimmy Hoffa, who was last seen in 1975 ​and assumed dead, was found in Baltimore, working in a bowling alley.

          “I’ve been here since 1985… and I’m still organizing to this very day,” Hoffa says.  “Not unions, you understand, but, more like – bowling shoes and groups of people with reservations of 6 or more into the Ten Pins Discount Club.”

       Hoffa has been able to live undetected for so long because of the unique nature of his job. “I’m never working the same task two days in a row,” he says. “That’s the key to laying low and inconspicuous. Today, I might be here at the front desk.  Tomorrow, I might be dishing out fries in the cafe.  The next day – I”m cleaning the John… or I’m doing all three jobs simultaneously.  You never know where I’m gonna be in this joint.”

       Hoffa seems content with his current place in life for now.  Although he plans to look into the possibility of forming some new, under represented labor unions. “Pin Setters and Bowling Ball Polishers Local will be my first union endeavour,” he says.

       Hoffa picks up a pair of number ten bowling shoes from the counter.  He pauses, sprays a heavy dose of disinfectant inside each shoe, and then he gets into the biggest reason why he’s been here so long.  “I love the smell of this shit, you understand?”  In fact, Hoffa is a bowling shoe disinfectant spray junky.  “I’ve got a fifty spray a day habit,” he confesses.  “At my lowest point, I was sucking off Teamsters two at a time to get a hit of this shit, you understand?”

  Hoffa turns away, sniffs deeply, his attention now on a group of 6 bowlers.  He smiles and aggressively tries to persuade them to join the Ten Pins Discount Club.

      A children’s birthday party turned tragic yesterday when Javier Jones, a 47 year old, male, Flamenco dancer, was mistaken for a piñata.

       “My neighbor was taking a short cut through my backyard, the kids thought he was the piñata, and well… they went wild turkey on his ass”, said Oliver Buford Sr., who hosted the party.

        Mr. Jones suffered bumps, bruises, severe lacerations, and internal bleeding as a result of the beating.  “I think the festive colors he was wearing, plus his Old Spice, eucalyptus and liquorice flavoured cologne, added to the mistaken identity,” Mr. Buford stated.  He went on.  “The same thing happened two years ago when the kids put a horse in a coma after a Caribbean festival.”

           The good news is that Mr. Jones is expected to make a full recovery from his injuries.  Oddly, several pieces of candy ejected from his body during the beating.  “We’re not sure if the candy came from inside his body or what,” Buford said.   At that point, through an abundance of caution, the kids were permitted to eat those particular pieces of candy only after they had been wiped off with hand sanitizer.

      “My taffy tasted like peroxide and spleen,” said ten year old, Oliver Jr.  He went on.  “I was here two years ago when we beat the cover off that horse.  The only difference between that accidental beating and this one is that…the horse was a better dancer.”

      Karl Rutgers, 77, officially, has the longest ear hair in the world.  Measuring at 645 feet long, the ear hair has proven to be quite useful in multiple situations.

          “It makes for one hell of a combover,” says, Mr. Rutgers, as he relaxes in a cozy, wicker chair.  Mr. Rutgers also used the ear hair to string his harp, which he plays on a semi-profession basis at the WormHole Square Symphony Orchestra.

      “I’ve been growing this ear hair for forty-seven years,” Mr. Rutgers says.  He goes on.  “Back in the day, I only used my ear hair to dip my tea bags and as a high wire prop for a flea circus I ran on a part-time basis.”  Mr. Rutgers proudly points to pictures of his high-wire fleas in action.  He smiles, continues.  “Nowadays, my ear hair has more applicable possibilities.  Like, my grandson uses my ear hair as floss.  It has just the right amount of ear wax on it to smoothly get in-between his teeth without causing his gums to bleed.”

   In addition, Rutger’s wife, Jenny, uses his ear hair to sew on armadillo tail extensions.  His son, Karl Jr., uses his dad’s ear hair as fishing line and his other son, Emory, uses the hair as string to fly his kites.

   “My wife is great,” Mr. Rutgers, adds lovingly. “She also used my ear hair to knit me these socks and this G-string I’m wearing.”

     John Faison, a troll who lives under the Wormhole Street Bridge, was cited yesterday for multiple violations of the City’s housing code.

       “I found no lids on his trashcans, overgrown grass sprawling all over the property, and an unregistered tire swing on a Weeping Willow tree,” said, Melvin Davenport, the officer who issued the citations.  He went on.  “These code violations are a public nuisance.  They create a breeding ground for rats, varmints, and hillbillies of all sorts!”

  Officer Davenport flips to a second page in his citation book, continues.  “I also issued a citation because Mr. Faison has not reported any bridge toll collections in months!”  Officer Davenport points through the under bridge opening.  “These are the violations I saw upon first inspection,” he said. “When I went to the rear of the property, down by the stream, I also found an old, rusted-out canoe and twenty-three of Flavor Flav’s old clocks.”

Officer Davenport draws his attention down to the bottom of the next citation, continues.  “In addition, I also found the skeletal remains of three billy goats, Billy Graham Sr., and three cast members of the Beverly Hillbillies.”

        Today, a cat called Novocaine, who died last week, was in court with his lawyer, suing to have his life reinstated.

      “My client, Mr. Novocaine, is entitled to nine lives, your Honor,” said attorney, Don Fesperman.”  And our termination records show that he has had only six lives.  Due to this accounting error, I am here today with my client to file a motion for immediate reanimation.

During the course of the proceedings, Mr. Fesperman went through Novocaine’s incidences of assumed, but erroneous demise.

    “On January 10th, of this year, your Honor, Novocaine got into an argument and subsequent physical altercation with O.J., inside a cutlery store, about who was the best NFL running back of all time.”   Fesperman went on.   “On March 3rd of this year, my client visited Baltimore City without wearing a bullet-proof vest… and stayed for more than two hours.   And finally, on June 5th of this same year, Mr. Novocaine got into yet another argument and yet, another physical altercation with O.J., while attending a machete trade show, in Baltimore for more than two hours, without wearing a bullet-proof vest.”

     ​Fesperman closed with this.  “My client, Mr. Novocaine survived all three incidences… as proven by exhibits A and B which are autographs signed by O.J. after each convention.  And proof that he lived through his visit to Baltimore… the smell of Old Bay and Maryland crabs still linger under his fingernails!”

Fesperman rested his case.

       Insomnia affects about 25% of the American population each year.  If you are one of the many folks who suffers from a lack of sleep, Nighty Nightzzzz, a new company, says it has several all natural methods that will cure your insomnia once and for all… or some of your money back.

        “Our methods are scientifically proven to put a muthafucka to sleep,” says Davis Lockhart, CEO, spokesman, and part-time parking garage ticket validator.  Mr. Lockhart lifts his hands into a marque spread and repeats. “Guaranteed to put a Muthafucka to sleep…or some of your money back!”

    Nighty Nightzzz features three different methods to help their clients cure their insomnia.  “The first one is called Boring-Ass Movie/ Boring-Ass Book,” Lockhart says.  Basically, this involves showing the client a VHS copy of the movie, Titanic, while Morgan Freeman reads annotated Cliffs notes from War and Peace.  “That’s enough to put a muthafucka in a soft coma,” Mr. Lockhart, says.

       If the first method doesn’t work, then method number two is administered.  It’s called Tyson’s Revenge. “Tyson’s Revenge is an all natural remedy that’s kept in the medicine cabinet, Lockhart, says. “When the client opens the cabinet, Mike Tyson pops out… filled with thoughts of how Don King allegedly stole 100 million dollars from him.  In addition, Tyson also thinks about the guy who talked him into getting that ridiculous tattoo on his face….POW!  The client goes down and doesn’t wake up until after the last season of Empire.”

     If method number two doesn’t work, then method number three is employed.  It’s called Michael Jackson’s Former Doctor Does His Thing….but Without the Whole Death Stuff.  “However, there are a few side affects with this method,” says, Lockhart. He continues.  “They include, moonwalking in your sleep, excessive grabbing of one’s crotch, and wet dreams about fucking Peter Pan.”

     Jennifer Clarke, 55, and going through menopause, says that global warming is making her life a living hell.

          “My hot flashes are 22% hotter than usual,” she says.  She goes on. “Sometimes, it feels like I’m wearing a heavy bear skin rug, except… there’s an actual bear living inside of it.”  Ms. Clarke wipes her brow, continues.”  And the bear has malaria, and with it… a fever – a goddamn one hundred and twenty degree temperature!”

      Indeed, Ms. Clarke sweats profusely and her skin is extremely hot to the touch.  “I give myself a second degree burn every time I do a breast exam, she adds. Other complications include: She has to take her clothes off with a spatular, shoehorn and hypnosis. She can’t get her drink on because the ice melts and dilutes her rum and Coke into a wine cooler before it touches her lips.  And her lipstick melts into a hooker’s puddle before she can even put it on.

        But, Ms. Clarke has also found that having skin that’s hot to the touch isn’t all bad.  “I can actually cook food on the back of my hands,” she says. “Burgers, steaks, hot dogs, s’mores.”  She gives her face a good, comprehensive wipe with the kitchen mop, then continues.  “I haven’t used my George Foreman grill in months!”

       John Wick 3, starring Keanu Reeves, grossed over 300 million dollars world wide.  But, John Wick 3 was also notable for setting the record for breaking the most glass in a motion picture ever.

  “We fucked up a lot of glass in this movie for no good reason at all,” said star, Keanu Reeves.

      And the amount of glass destroyed in John Wick 3 cannot be overstated.  In action scenes, large store front panes, fancy showcases and sleek, modern office space glass were all destroyed in this film.   All in the tradition of, Gratuitious, Pointless, Exploding Glass Looks Really Fucking Cool!   But, in addition to that, collateral damage occurred at the same time when the drive-thru window at a nearby Burger King was also shattered.  The backboard at a Los Angeles Lakers game was shattered, and composer, Phillip Glass, complained of leg cramps.  None of which had anything to do with the movie.

    Additionally, the movie featured a scene in which Keanu Reeves rode a horse across a bridge.  “The horse was cross-eyed and nearsighted,” said Reeves. He went on.  “Unfortunately, the horse’s bifocals were broken during one of the stunts.  As a result, the horse had to be put down.  Not shot,”  he quickly added.  “They made the horse an extra in the last season of Game Of Thrones.“

      It was then that the horse reportedly requested to be put down to end its misery.

         Gloria Stuckle, 38, has officially been deemed the only person in history to confess a love of jury duty.

         “I love it because I get to see free movies,” she says, enthusiastically.

        Never mind the fact that the movies shown in the jury assembly rooms are all at least a decade old.

      “Where else can you get paid $15 a day to watch the first X- Men movie, the first Harry Potter or any one of the Tyler Perry cinematic masterpieces, all in one day?” she says.  The thought of it all almost rendering an orgasmic response within her.

      And as to the paltry payment for jury duty of $15 a day, Ms. Stuckle stays positive.  “Sure, parking for the day is $25, and lunch is $15, which puts me in the red. Not to mention that I’m losing a whole day’s pay from work, but it’s worth it.”  And then she gets slightly metaphysical. “Can you really put a price on the experience of watching a Tyler Perry movie in a room full of people who’d rather pour battery acid under their eyelids, then be in here?”

            She squirms in discomfort, remaining upbeat. “Sure, sitting in the jury assembly room in these IKEA lawn chairs all day has aggravated my hemorrhoids to the point that the throbbing inflammation feels like the volcano, Mount Vesuvius, has erupted inside my ass.  And sure, sitting around all day in what some may consider purgatory… but on a weekday… has made the thrombosis and varicose veins in my legs worse.”  She rolls up her pant legs, peeks, continues.  “Right now they look like giant, green worms pushing up against an over-crowded, translucent, circus tent.”

       And as she continues to wait to be called up to the courtroom to be placed as a potential juror, the movie, The Blind Side is ending.   Another movie begins to play. Its’ a Tyler Perry joint!  Ms. Stuckle moans and appears to have reached judicial climax. She excuses herself and heads to the ladies room to address two types of eruptions.

       In a battle Royale for the ages, martial arts legend, ​Bruce Lee and the master of Three Stooges mayhem, Moe Howard, fought last night at the WormHole Square Arena.  The fight went three rounds with Bruce Lee emerging as the victor.

       “This fight was even bigger than Ali-Frazier,” said, promoter Jack Riley.  He went on.  “The only fight that was more fierce…was when the public begged Sylvester Stallone NOT to make Rocky 4 and 5!” Promoters have been trying to put this event together for many years.  Apparently, the biggest complication to scheduling was that Moe Howard was often locked up at various times with multiple assault charges pending against him.   And these assault charges were not just for brutalizing Larry and Curley.  Moe Howard was also charged with assaulting Mel Gibson, Chris Brown, and Ike Turner.

     The actual fight last night between Bruce Lee and Moe Howard was very exciting.

     Round 1 HIGHLIGHTS: Bruce Lee opened with a straight punch to Moe Howard’s face.  Howard quickly countered with an, Oh, a wise guy, aye?! and delivered a gut punch right hand windmill back of the head, vertical punch combo, that caused Lee to double over.
Round 2 HIGHLIGHTS: Bruce Lee opened with a swift roundhouse kick to the side of Moe Howard’s face.  Moe Howard countered with a, Why, I oughta..! and tweaked Bruce Lee’s ears before delivering a diagonal forehead slap that made Lee woozy.

Round 3 HIGHLIGHTS: Moe Howard opened with a two finger eye gouge that had Lee blinded temporarily.  Howard quickly followed up by biting Lee’s nose and giving him a vicious head butt. Howard then hit Lee in the head with a frying pan and then a ceramic vase.  Moe then shouted, “Wake up and go to sleep!”  Lee went down, but survived the standing 8 count.  Lee, eyes cleared, began bouncing on his feet.  Howard taunted Lee yelling,”I’ll squeeze the cider outta your Adams apple!” Moe then began running in place before attempting his patented, Curly-Larry double bitch slap, but, Lee blocked it. Lee then countered with 5 rapid piston-like punches to Howard’s body.  Bruce Lee then kicked Moe Howard so hard, he flew out of the ring and back to Vaudeville.