Today, a cat called Novocaine, who died last week, was in court with his lawyer, suing to have his life reinstated.

      “My client, Mr. Novocaine, is entitled to nine lives, your Honor,” said attorney, Don Fesperman.”  And our termination records show that he has had only six lives.  Due to this accounting error, I am here today with my client to file a motion for immediate reanimation.

During the course of the proceedings, Mr. Fesperman went through Novocaine’s incidences of assumed, but erroneous demise.

    “On January 10th, of this year, your Honor, Novocaine got into an argument and subsequent physical altercation with O.J., inside a cutlery store, about who was the best NFL running back of all time.”   Fesperman went on.   “On March 3rd of this year, my client visited Baltimore City without wearing a bullet-proof vest… and stayed for more than two hours.   And finally, on June 5th of this same year, Mr. Novocaine got into yet another argument and yet, another physical altercation with O.J., while attending a machete trade show, in Baltimore for more than two hours, without wearing a bullet-proof vest.”

     ​Fesperman closed with this.  “My client, Mr. Novocaine survived all three incidences… as proven by exhibits A and B which are autographs signed by O.J. after each convention.  And proof that he lived through his visit to Baltimore… the smell of Old Bay and Maryland crabs still linger under his fingernails!”

Fesperman rested his case.

       Insomnia affects about 25% of the American population each year.  If you are one of the many folks who suffers from a lack of sleep, Nighty Nightzzzz, a new company, says it has several all natural methods that will cure your insomnia once and for all… or some of your money back.

        “Our methods are scientifically proven to put a muthafucka to sleep,” says Davis Lockhart, CEO, spokesman, and part-time parking garage ticket validator.  Mr. Lockhart lifts his hands into a marque spread and repeats. “Guaranteed to put a Muthafucka to sleep…or some of your money back!”

    Nighty Nightzzz features three different methods to help their clients cure their insomnia.  “The first one is called Boring-Ass Movie/ Boring-Ass Book,” Lockhart says.  Basically, this involves showing the client a VHS copy of the movie, Titanic, while Morgan Freeman reads annotated Cliffs notes from War and Peace.  “That’s enough to put a muthafucka in a soft coma,” Mr. Lockhart, says.

       If the first method doesn’t work, then method number two is administered.  It’s called Tyson’s Revenge. “Tyson’s Revenge is an all natural remedy that’s kept in the medicine cabinet, Lockhart, says. “When the client opens the cabinet, Mike Tyson pops out… filled with thoughts of how Don King allegedly stole 100 million dollars from him.  In addition, Tyson also thinks about the guy who talked him into getting that ridiculous tattoo on his face….POW!  The client goes down and doesn’t wake up until after the last season of Empire.”

     If method number two doesn’t work, then method number three is employed.  It’s called Michael Jackson’s Former Doctor Does His Thing….but Without the Whole Death Stuff.  “However, there are a few side affects with this method,” says, Lockhart. He continues.  “They include, moonwalking in your sleep, excessive grabbing of one’s crotch, and wet dreams about fucking Peter Pan.”

     Jennifer Clarke, 55, and going through menopause, says that global warming is making her life a living hell.

          “My hot flashes are 22% hotter than usual,” she says.  She goes on. “Sometimes, it feels like I’m wearing a heavy bear skin rug, except… there’s an actual bear living inside of it.”  Ms. Clarke wipes her brow, continues.”  And the bear has malaria, and with it… a fever – a goddamn one hundred and twenty degree temperature!”

      Indeed, Ms. Clarke sweats profusely and her skin is extremely hot to the touch.  “I give myself a second degree burn every time I do a breast exam, she adds. Other complications include: She has to take her clothes off with a spatular, shoehorn and hypnosis. She can’t get her drink on because the ice melts and dilutes her rum and Coke into a wine cooler before it touches her lips.  And her lipstick melts into a hooker’s puddle before she can even put it on.

        But, Ms. Clarke has also found that having skin that’s hot to the touch isn’t all bad.  “I can actually cook food on the back of my hands,” she says. “Burgers, steaks, hot dogs, s’mores.”  She gives her face a good, comprehensive wipe with the kitchen mop, then continues.  “I haven’t used my George Foreman grill in months!”

       John Wick 3, starring Keanu Reeves, grossed over 300 million dollars world wide.  But, John Wick 3 was also notable for setting the record for breaking the most glass in a motion picture ever.

  “We fucked up a lot of glass in this movie for no good reason at all,” said star, Keanu Reeves.

      And the amount of glass destroyed in John Wick 3 cannot be overstated.  In action scenes, large store front panes, fancy showcases and sleek, modern office space glass were all destroyed in this film.   All in the tradition of, Gratuitious, Pointless, Exploding Glass Looks Really Fucking Cool!   But, in addition to that, collateral damage occurred at the same time when the drive-thru window at a nearby Burger King was also shattered.  The backboard at a Los Angeles Lakers game was shattered, and composer, Phillip Glass, complained of leg cramps.  None of which had anything to do with the movie.

    Additionally, the movie featured a scene in which Keanu Reeves rode a horse across a bridge.  “The horse was cross-eyed and nearsighted,” said Reeves. He went on.  “Unfortunately, the horse’s bifocals were broken during one of the stunts.  As a result, the horse had to be put down.  Not shot,”  he quickly added.  “They made the horse an extra in the last season of Game Of Thrones.“

      It was then that the horse reportedly requested to be put down to end its misery.

         Gloria Stuckle, 38, has officially been deemed the only person in history to confess a love of jury duty.

         “I love it because I get to see free movies,” she says, enthusiastically.

        Never mind the fact that the movies shown in the jury assembly rooms are all at least a decade old.

      “Where else can you get paid $15 a day to watch the first X- Men movie, the first Harry Potter or any one of the Tyler Perry cinematic masterpieces, all in one day?” she says.  The thought of it all almost rendering an orgasmic response within her.

      And as to the paltry payment for jury duty of $15 a day, Ms. Stuckle stays positive.  “Sure, parking for the day is $25, and lunch is $15, which puts me in the red. Not to mention that I’m losing a whole day’s pay from work, but it’s worth it.”  And then she gets slightly metaphysical. “Can you really put a price on the experience of watching a Tyler Perry movie in a room full of people who’d rather pour battery acid under their eyelids, then be in here?”

            She squirms in discomfort, remaining upbeat. “Sure, sitting in the jury assembly room in these IKEA lawn chairs all day has aggravated my hemorrhoids to the point that the throbbing inflammation feels like the volcano, Mount Vesuvius, has erupted inside my ass.  And sure, sitting around all day in what some may consider purgatory… but on a weekday… has made the thrombosis and varicose veins in my legs worse.”  She rolls up her pant legs, peeks, continues.  “Right now they look like giant, green worms pushing up against an over-crowded, translucent, circus tent.”

       And as she continues to wait to be called up to the courtroom to be placed as a potential juror, the movie, The Blind Side is ending.   Another movie begins to play. Its’ a Tyler Perry joint!  Ms. Stuckle moans and appears to have reached judicial climax. She excuses herself and heads to the ladies room to address two types of eruptions.

       In a battle Royale for the ages, martial arts legend, ​Bruce Lee and the master of Three Stooges mayhem, Moe Howard, fought last night at the WormHole Square Arena.  The fight went three rounds with Bruce Lee emerging as the victor.

       “This fight was even bigger than Ali-Frazier,” said, promoter Jack Riley.  He went on.  “The only fight that was more fierce…was when the public begged Sylvester Stallone NOT to make Rocky 4 and 5!” Promoters have been trying to put this event together for many years.  Apparently, the biggest complication to scheduling was that Moe Howard was often locked up at various times with multiple assault charges pending against him.   And these assault charges were not just for brutalizing Larry and Curley.  Moe Howard was also charged with assaulting Mel Gibson, Chris Brown, and Ike Turner.

     The actual fight last night between Bruce Lee and Moe Howard was very exciting.

     Round 1 HIGHLIGHTS: Bruce Lee opened with a straight punch to Moe Howard’s face.  Howard quickly countered with an, Oh, a wise guy, aye?! and delivered a gut punch right hand windmill back of the head, vertical punch combo, that caused Lee to double over.
Round 2 HIGHLIGHTS: Bruce Lee opened with a swift roundhouse kick to the side of Moe Howard’s face.  Moe Howard countered with a, Why, I oughta..! and tweaked Bruce Lee’s ears before delivering a diagonal forehead slap that made Lee woozy.

Round 3 HIGHLIGHTS: Moe Howard opened with a two finger eye gouge that had Lee blinded temporarily.  Howard quickly followed up by biting Lee’s nose and giving him a vicious head butt. Howard then hit Lee in the head with a frying pan and then a ceramic vase.  Moe then shouted, “Wake up and go to sleep!”  Lee went down, but survived the standing 8 count.  Lee, eyes cleared, began bouncing on his feet.  Howard taunted Lee yelling,”I’ll squeeze the cider outta your Adams apple!” Moe then began running in place before attempting his patented, Curly-Larry double bitch slap, but, Lee blocked it. Lee then countered with 5 rapid piston-like punches to Howard’s body.  Bruce Lee then kicked Moe Howard so hard, he flew out of the ring and back to Vaudeville.

    Cy-CLONES, a new, while-you-wait cloning business, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization, after only 18 months in operation.

    “My first mistake was not realizing how complicated this cloning stuff would be,” says, Cyrus Jones, CEO.  In fact, Mr. Jones has taken a biology class at the WormHole Square Community College, but beyond that, he has zero science or cloning experience.  “I actually flunked that class,” Cyrus says.  He goes on. “But, I watch a lot of science and technology videos on Youtube.  Mostly stuff about volcanoes, asteroids, Komodo dragons, and real dragons.   My second mistake was the 30 minute guarantee and while you wait service, Cyrus, says.  “What was I thinking?!  After all, we’re not making pizza.  The process involves somatic cells, DNA, removing the nucleus, adding some eggs, almond milk and oregano, and what not, etc.  The Cloning process takes at least 45 minutes – 50 minutes or more if the cloning… ah… er…”  He searches for the proper scientific term.  “thingamagig… is running slow… which it is prone to do when the utility company shuts off the electricity because we didn’t exactly pay the bill on time.”

          Still, Mr. Jones is optimistic about the future. “I believe that Cy-CLONES will emerge from this reorganization bigger and stronger than ever.”  Still, he faces an uphill battle, including a class action lawsuit, and an unwavering belief that asteroids and real dragons are headed directly towards his office to destroy it.  “They’re headed right for my business,” he says. “Dragons love almond milk and oregano!”  Cyrus then frames an imaginary sign with his hands and declares. “Cy-CLONES: NEW location coming soon!”

         Count Chocula, that purveyor of cold breakfast cereal, has been deported back to Romania by ICE for the thirty-fifth time.

      “I’m really not sure how he keeps getting back into the country,” says, Lance Lance, assistant to the assistant ICE Director. “This guy is the poster child for what’s wrong with illegals coming into this country.  They’re all blood suckers and they pimp super sugary breakfast cereals responsible for ADHC diabetes, and O.P.P.  They want to force their culture on us.  The next thing you know, we’ll all be sleeping in caskets and running away at the sight of garlic and steaks.  That is why we need a wall.”

         Count Chocula claims that he has been unfairly targeted because of one specific reason.  “It’s the chocolate thing, of course,” he says.

          And there may be some validity to his complaint. For instance, according to official Immigration records, ICE knows, for a fact, that Captain Crunch, who is from Norway, has been in this country illegally on a bogus marriage green card for decades.  In fact, Captain Crunch came to the United States from Norway, on a raft made from an old barn door, cereal box tops, and enormous amounts of riboflavin. Again, Count Chocula.

       “Yeah, and Captain Crunch hasn’t been deported – not once.  Me – they’ve deported my brown ass over thirty times!”

     Yet, Count Chocula remains defiant. “It’s okay.  I’ll just change myself into a bat and fly back into the country like I always do.  They can build a wall one thousand feet high and I’ll still get back in.”

             Fact: Most snails are hermaphrodites; having both male and female genitalia.  Rodney, a snail from WormHole Square’s westside, had a sexual encounter with itself, and now faces the consequences of that decision.

      “It was a Friday nite,” Rodney says.  “I was bored.  I had just binge-watched a full season of the Discovery Channel and Orange Is The New Black. So… that combo, combined with my new yoga mat, convinced me to go ahead and have sexual relations with me, myself, and I.  Don’t misunderstand me,” Rodney is quick to say. “It was not a three way encounter.  It was a one on one affair between me and myself… with I… mostly watching.”

        The encounter was very gratifying initially, according to Rodney.  But the following day, the complications began.  “So… after sharing this intimate night with someone who I thought was a caring person, it’s the next day, and I don’t even get as much as a phone call.”   Rodney drops his face in shame momentarily, then back up, continues.  “Now, I’m feeling used and manipulated.  Initially, I thought I was cool with a one night stand.  Now I realize that what I really wanted was a long term, committed relationship with myself .”

        The regret grew deeper for Rodney as the days passed and still no phone call.  “By day four, my self esteem was near rock bottom,” Rodney says.   “I was tumbling into a deep, dark psychological spiral. ​ I starting hating my mother because she didn’t breast feed me.  I started resenting my father because he did breast feed me!”

       Several weeks have passed since the initial sexual encounter and now Rodney has an even more pressing concern. “Yup, so… my menstrual cycle is late.”

           Bazooka Joe, long known for bubble gum and brilliant micro-comics, has won the prestigious Mark Twain Prize for humor.

       “The wit of Bazooka Joe, combined with a super sweet bubblegum experience made the selection unanimous.” says Twain board member, Simon Ogletree.”  Also, the fact that this guy has only one eye, makes his razor sharp observational humor all that more impressive.  We haven’t seen this level of comedic talent from any one-eyed humorist/actor since Snake Plissken did the Escape From New York – Catskills Edition, comedy improv tour with Sammy Davis Jr., and that pirate from SpongeBob Square Pants.”

        According to Olgetree, the competition was really tight this time around.  “Yes, there were several other people with brilliant comedic resumes in the running for the prize.” The other nominees included Jim Belushi, Carrot Top, Gallagher…and Gallagher’s watermelon seeds.  Again, Mr. Ogletree.  “The seeds tend to leave a lasting impression and we appreciate that.”

      Bazooka Joe has been dishing out the jokes in tiny doses inside bubble gum wrappers since 1953. “That’s a lot of laughs… and cheap, hard-as-a-rock bubblegum,” adds Mr. Ogletree.  “In fact, no one person has been responsible for more laughs, and frankly, ​more tooth decay, than Bazooka Joe.  And for this we thank him.”

  Just announced, a micro-braille edition of the Bazooka Joe comics for the seeing impaired.