A blind snake named, Zeracody, can now see, thanks to a pair of dice that are used as filters and make his vision possible.
“It’s a miracle and serendipity all in one,” said Zeracody. “It’s what’s possible when your ophthamologist is dedicated to puns and has a serious gambling addiction.”
And although Zeracody’s eyesight has been restored, the introduction of the dice as ocular aids, has not been without some unforeseen side affects.
“Sometimes when it’s cloudy out, images I see through the dice become black and white, pixelated, deleted scenes, from old classic movies,” Zeracody said. “A lot of Hitchcock stuff. Like… I saw something from Psycho once, but instead of Norman Bates appearing with a knife in the shower scene… he had an eviction notice. Or, like – scenes from the movie The Birds, but with only pigeons. But, the pigeons don’t attack people. They walk around with signs protesting the low quality of sidewalk pigeon food. And did I mention that these pigeons walk like Captain Jack Sparrow, and fall over every two minutes because they have vertigo. Stuff like that.”
Still, Zeracody is thankful to have the ability to see anything at all, whatever the images may bring. “Somedays I see the world as it is,” Zeracody added. “And sometimes I see A Fist Full Of Dollars… as a handful of food stamps.”
Last week, the WormHole Square Art Museum, unveiled a sculptured work that has since drawn praise and criticism.
“It’s a 3-dimensional work of art, but it’s in 4-D,” said artist, Indigo, who created the sculpture. “The 4-D’s are daffodils, dolphins, dildos and dynamite. You know-things that go together in a potentially explosive way, yet with enough eclectic flair to make the viewer think about being either enlightened, frightened or horny.”
Among some of the museum patrons who praised the sculpture included porn stars who have season tickets to SeaWorld, and nuns whose astrological sign is Pisces. Among the crowd of patrons who did not appreciate the sculpture included nuns who are not Pisces, and Wil E. Coyote.
“Dynamite and dolphins do not go together organically,” said Wil E. “Dynamite and roadrunners – now that’s a theme!”
“I was really trying to create something in 6-D,” artist, Indigo, admitted. “I had two additional D’s in mind, but I couldn’t find a creative way to add a dwarf playing a didgeridoo and Deebo, from the movie Friday, into the piece.”
Last night, a major piano concert was interrupted at the WormHole Square Concert Hall, when a homeless man, emerged from inside the piano, and demanded silence.
“I was trying to sleep,” said Curtis Fletcher, 52. But it’s really hard to do so with all this goddamn Sir Elton-type clanging going on! I’m a vet, and I could sleep better in a foxhole on the shores of Normandy, for Christ’s sake!”
Pianist, Sergio Pastore, was midway through Beethoven’s Piano Sonata #17, when Mr. Fletcher pushed the lid open wide, emerged from the Steinway grand, and asked Mr. Pastore to keep it down or he would be forced to call the landlord. Mr. Fletcher was promptly escorted out of the venue. On his way out, he was reportedly heard asking patrons for spare change to replace his 4 dead, pet salamanders, still inside the piano, with new ones.
“I had been living inside that music box for six months now,” Fletcher said, from the sidewalk in front of the concert hall. “It was the G sharps that did me in. Those G sharps fuck up my circadian rhythm big time.”
WormHole Square Mayor, Sharon Brody, has been under investigation for corruption for months. Yesterday, she faced the press with hired PR guys, Bento and Johny, in an attempt to clear her name.
“The video of me smoking crystal meth with the ghost of Marion Barry has been overblown. After all, smoking crystal meth is not illegal, as long as you don’t exhale, as long as you’re a Democrat … and as long as your partner is not of this world,” she said.
Mayor Brody has also been charged with accepting $200,000 in bribes of gift cards intended for needy children. In exchange, she awarded a 5 million dollar, no-bid, road work, contract to her uncle’s nephew’s baby-mama step-sister-gurl-in law’s fraternity brother’s Loyal Order of Water Buffalos. The scope of work was to repair seven potholes along South Broadway.
Bento then raised his hand and inserted, “Those were some very, very, very… very deeeeeeeeep potholes, I assure you.”
Johny then added a quip for pseudo-factual good measure. “Yes, fall in one and you’ll end up in New Zealand, I’m told.”
Faced with additional video evidence, Mayor Brody remained defiant. “These absolutely damning slam-dunk, guilty as sin videos, mean nothing. I will fight all of these spurious charges until my last breath!”
The Mayor was then reminded that in WormHole Square, even inanimate objects have a voice, and that several potholes had already agreed to testify against her. That is when Mayor Brody hastily left her office under the whispery, ghoulish chants of the ghost of Marion Barry.
“Those bitches set you up! Those goddamn bitches set you up!”
Mayor Brody was reportedly seen later clutching her passport as she drove her white Mercedes Benz head long into a pothole along South Broadway.
A lemonade stand established to raise money for a local charity, was initially set up next to a counter that holds urine samples, which has been causing major problems at the WormHole Square Medical Clinic.
“We suspected something was wrong when our customers starting complaining about the lemonade,” says, 8 year old, Mike. “Stuff like, the lemonade’s too warm, too tart… or that it smelled like the mattresses in the geriatrics department.”
The confusion only grew from there when all of the urine samples began coming back positive for diabetes.
“We put a bunch of sugar in our lemonade,” says Mike. “A bunch!”
Putting these two services so close together was bound to cause problems. Even with signs clearly posted, the confusion is likely to continue, because the lemonade stand and the urine sample counter are located next to the Optometry Department.
The Shadow- Finger- Puppet version of Star Wars: Rise Of The Jedi, flopped at the box office, over the weekend, grossing a paltry $358 domestically, in wide release.
“These box office numbers are somewhat disappointing,” said, executive producer, Kathleen J. F. Kennedy. “But, with overseas revenue, cable, and Boy Scout camping jamborees, we should easily recoup our production budget of $4,275, and go on to net a substantial profit.”
Critics have universally panned the Shadow- Finger- Puppet release of Star Wars: Rise of the Jedi.
“The action, battle scenes lacked finger and thumb dexterity and coordination,” said, critic, Jack White. “At times, it seemed more like all thumbs. Overall, director, J.J.J.J Abrams’ vision lacked creative storytelling. The lighting and set designs were dull, featuring pedestrian cinematography that, at times, resembled a security guard waving a flashlight. I thought the actors lacked on screen chemistry, particularly Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill, who resembled two arthritic index fingers, painfully bending through the galaxies. And Billy Dee Williams’ performance lacked so much passion that no amount of Colt 45 malt liquor could rescue him from this disappointing production.”
Legendary poet, Baltimore native, and underground, moustache model, Edgar Allan Poe, is suing the Baltimore Ravens Football team, for copyright infringement.
“I gave the Baltimore football team permission to use any one of my poem titles for their team name, except, The Raven,” says Poe. “My own flag football team is called The Ravens… so, from now on, the other guys can use the title of one of my other poems for their team name instead.”
Poe has suggested some of his other poem titles that Baltimore could use instead of The Raven, which include, The Baltimore Enigmas, The Baltimore Haunted Places, and his second favorite, The Baltimore Conquerer Worms. Edgar Allan Poe’s flag football team is comprised of all famous poets, which includes, Poet Laureate of Vermont, master of colloquial speech, and back-up quarterback, Robert Frost. It also includes, Presidential Medal of Freedom winner and wide receiver, Maya Angelou. And just added to the roster through a trade, Rudy Ray Moore, A.k.a. Dolemite, who once rushed for over a thousand yards in one season… and once said motherfucker over one thousand times in one hour.
Poe is also suing the Baltimore Ravens for stealing some of his original offensive plays.
“The play they call the Double Reverse, where the running back sweeps left and then gives the ball to the wide receiver, who then sweeps right, is nothing short of the exact same play my flag football team runs, but we call it The Pit and The Pendulum,” says Poe. “Same diddly-squat, different century!”
Dr. Seuss was a prolific writer of over 60 children’s books, but, he was not a real medical doctor. Unfortunately, this fact did not stop him from practicing the two specialties at the same time, with mixed results.
“I went to see him for my erectile dysfunction,” says, Joe Sinclair, 42. “Dr. Seuss said I needed more protein in my diet, and then he proceeded to give me a lobotomy and made me read Green Eggs and Ham… twenty-nine times. Then he made me read There’s a Wocket in My Pocket… twenty-nine times. Twenty-nine minutes later, my erectile dysfunction was cured. Amazing.”
Horton, a 36 year old, blue elephant, was treated by Dr. Seuss for hearing loss.
“I had been deaf all my life, until I went to see Dr. Seuss,” says, Horton. “He told me I needed more protein and then proceeded to give me a lobotomy. Then he made me read Green Eggs and Ham 57 times. Ten minutes later, for the first time in my life, I could hear. It was amazing.”
And Seuss wrote a book about it called, Horton Hears A Who. Unfortunately, the only thing Horton can hear are Whos. Sometimes he can hear whens, whys, hows, and the occasional what the fuck, but that’s about it. Someday, Horton hopes to be able to hear other sounds like… birds, chimes and…. poachers, who keep hunting him for his ivory.
Dr. Seuss also treated The Grinch for having a heart two sizes too small.
“Having a tiny heart made me bitter, so I stole shit, and tried my best to keep Christmas and Dr. Martin Luther King Day from coming,” says, The Grinch. “Dr. Seuss said my heart problem was caused by a lack of protein. So… he gave me a lobotomy and made me read One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish… and Green Eggs and Ham… 155 times. Twenty minutes later, I felt my heart swell with generosity and love. Amazing.”
It was later determined that the moldy eggs and excessive pork, caused pulmonary edema and made the Grinch’s heart grow ten times its original size.
Researchers at the WormHole Square Institute For Suicide Prevention, have determined that raking leaves against the wind is the leading factor that will cause someone to commit suicide.
“It’s not even close,” says researcher, Matt Higgins. “Raking leaves against the wind is by far the thing that will make someone drive their car off a cliff, stick their head in an oven, or watch the Fishing Channel on TV.”
Climate change has made things worse with the increase in the occurrence of windy days. The researchers also found other infuriatingly frustrating situations that contribute directly to suicide which include: Trying to light the pilot on a water heater in the dark (note: this factor also included an active gas leak, so suicide data not reliable ). Trying to repackage a product into a box that has multiple form fitting styrofoam shapes inside, also made the list.
Higgins offers this advice to people to prevent leaf raking related suicides: “Never, never, ever rake leaves on a bridge, roof of a high rise apartment building, or an outdoor shooting range surrounded by oak trees, during the autumn/monsoon season.” He went on. “And don’t even think about raking leaves in Chicago or any trailer parks on the plains. And it goes without saying, you’re a dead man walking if you rake leaves in Baltimore after spending all day at the DMV… ( or anything else ) after dark… even if there is no wind.”
Yesterday, for the first time ever in all recorded history, a junkie, who was nodding off, actually fell over, and down to the ground.
“I have never seen any thing like this in all of my many decades of studying physics,” said Albert Einstein, who just so happed to be in the area when the junkie went down. Einstein went on. “I was in Dominic’s… getting a perm, when I heard a sound that was consistent with distortion in the space-time continuum. I came outside, I saw the subject on the ground – the junkie, and my suspicions were confirmed.”
No one knows, for sure, how or why junkies can defy the laws of gravity, nodding over, swaying, zombie-like, coming within inches of the ground, but never, ever actually falling down. Again, Mr. Einstein. “Usually, the principle of relativity can be extended to gravitational fields, but in the case of the sidewalk junkie, they seem to have an immunity that not even I can explain.”
Investigative teams from NASA, MIT, and the International Dominos Society, have all tried to figure out how and why the junkie fell down, with no success,
Once again, Albert Einstein. “I believe the junkie’s fall was a combination of factors. First: we must revisit the equation, E = mc squared. I think the subject fell because he was dancing… and his dancing was so disjointed, so mush – of -mind, uncoordinated, that it broke all the laws of electromagnetic fields. Thus, we must now update our equation from E = mc squared to… E = mc Hammer squared. Thus, the subject eclipsed all laws of quantum mechanics and went through a WormHole… thus ending up in WormHole Square on this sidewalk.”
Questions? Go to the 'About Comic Strip' page for answers to why this strip exists, or go there just to find the solutions to life's mysteries in general.
