SNAIL
Hey, you guys want to buy some thumbs?

BENTO
Excuse me, what?

JONNY
Huh… (leans closer) what did you say?

SNAIL
Nothing – I didn’t say nothing. Just three
guys talking – shooting the proverbial
breeze. Nice, cool, sensual breeze, that’s
all. Nothing weird or unethical going
on here.

JONNY
Oh… okay.

Jonny and Bento stare at the Snail in suspicious silence.

SNAIL
So… you guys headed to WormHole Square?

JONNY
Yeah.

SNAIL
Me too, me too. Got some business up
that way.

BENTO
You don’t say?

SNAIL
You know, that sounds like something
a farmer from the 1950s would say.

BENTO
What?

SNAIL
You don’t say? It sounds like a 1950s
response to a mundane statement like,
Cleo’s dog had five pups…. or…
Captain Crunch is not a real captain.
(annoyed) You don’t say?! It sounds like
you’re minimizing my upcoming business
dealings. It’s kind of annoying.

BENTO
Sorry, dude – was not my intention.

JONNY
You don’t say?

SNAIL
Stop doing that! My father used to do that
and I hated his fucking guts!

JONNY
Dude, calm down.

The Snail goes into a meditative, anger control crouch.

SNAIL
(chants)
Captain Crunch is not a real captain.
Captain Crunch is not a real captain!
Captain Crunch is not a real captain!!

Bento and Jonny look at one another.

The Snail unfurls itself, exhales, smiles.

BENTO
So… your father had a farm back in
the 1950s?

SNAIL
No, my father had an express courier
business back in the 50s.

BENTO
Express… ?

SNAIL
But, it didn’t work out too well.

JONNY
Why not? – Okay, let me guess –

SNAIL
And you’d be wrong! The service was
fine. The reason my father’s business
failed is because they cancelled
I Love Lucy!

BENTO
I Love Lucy?

SNAIL
The TV show! ( calms himself ) Long
story. Rickey Ricardo, Cuba, Fidel
Castro, Che Guevara traveling on a
boat donated by the lepers…

Bento and Jonny look at each other, then back to the Snail.

…and six degrees of separation and
all that shit!
(looks down the road then back). Soo…
you guy want to buy some thumbs?

JONNY
What are you talking about?

BENTO
Yeah, it sounds like you’re asking us
if we want to buy some –

SNAIL
Nothing! Did I say anything? No, just
three guys talking, chewing it on the side
of the road. Talking pablum and free trade –
side of the road. A desolate road where
no one can see or hear you scream. Just
talking, gents. ( to Bento) Nice vest, by the
way. Not pretentious in the least.

BENTO
Look, little dude…

SNAIL
So, what are you, some kind of robot-man,
ugly, pretentious vest model, or something?

BENTO
(annoyed)
No, I’m actually –

SNAIL
That’s fascinating, Steve Austin Jr.!
I’ll be sure to tell my grandchildren that
titillating bit of cybernetic fodder… when
I’m trying to put them to sleep at bedtime.
(switches mood)
So, you guys want to buy some thumbs,
or what?

JONNY
(points at Snail)
There, I heard it!

BENTO
Yeah, me too! I heard it!

SNAIL
Heard what?

JONNY
Thumbs.

SNAIL
What about thumbs? (whispers)
Buy some!

JONNY
You keep asking us if we want to buy
some thumbs.

BENTO
Yeah, that’s the third time now.

SNAIL
What? Did I mention anything about
thumbs? No, sir. (whispers) Yes, sir!

JONNY
Yes, sir!

SNAIL
No, no, no, no , no – yes… let’s recap!
Okay… WormHole Square, right? You
don’t say? Slash – farmer talk – hate
my father. (whispers) Buy some thumbs!
(normal voice, rapid fire ) Isolated road,
empty threat… ( whispers ) or is it?
Robots, grandkids, chewing pablum,
I Love Lucy! Captain Crunch is not a
real captain. Captain Crunch is not a
real captain! (inhales, exhales) Talking.
Just three guys talking… bonding.
(whispers) Thumbs for sale – two for
ten dollars, three for twelve!
(normal rapid fire voice ). That’s totally
generous given the aggregate as it
pertains to the hypotenuse! That’s 1950s
prices, folks!

The Snail takes breath, looks down the road, smiles, and then back to Bento and Jonny.

JONNY
I know what you’re doing.

SNAIL
What, throwing out some good old
fashioned the farmer talk… by the
side of the road?

BENTO
It’s obvious.

JONNY
You’re trying to plant subliminal seeds
in our minds, so we’ll buy some.

SNAIL
Buy some what?

JONNY
Thumbs, man, thumbs! C’mon we all know
what’s going on here!

SNAIL
Preposterous! Why on earth would I do
that? After all, thumbs are ugly and have
no real purpose? What good are they?

Bento and Jonny go into advocacy mode.

BENTO
Well, they make holding a tennis racquet,
flashlight, and a grilled cheese sandwich
possible.

JONNY
And you can give someone positive
reinforcement with an insincere
two thumbs up.

BENTO
Like your kid… right before he strikes out
for the third time in his little league game.

JONNY
Or an employee… after an interview for
a promotion they have no chance in hell
of ever getting.

BENTO
Or a pilot at an air show…

JONNY
Right before his plane goes down in a
burst on flames.

BENTO
Thumbs are essential for hitchhiking.
Not unlike what we’re doing right now.

JONNY
Thumbs are also used for suckling by
babies when a nipple is not available.

SNAIL
Go on…

BENTO

You know – like – if the nipple is face down
in the sand, or covered by a burlap tee shirt…

JONNY
Or if the nipple is otherwise obstructed by
a set of fashionable miniblinds.

BENTO
Or an apron made from construction scaffolding.

SNAIL
Not unlike what we’re doing right now.

BENTO
What?

SNAIL
Nothing. See, I wouldn’t know about any
of that stuff, because my father never came
to any of my little league games. And
neither my mother or her nipples were ever
available for my suckling nutritional benefit.

BENTO
That’s too bad. So… what did you do?

SNAIL
Like you said – I had to suck my thumb
as a substitute.

JONNY
See, thumbs can be a wonderful thing.

SNAIL
Yes, but leave it to my father to ruin
even that little bit of artificial comfort.

JONNY
How – what did he do?

SNAIL
He used to pour salt on my thumbs?

JONNY
To get you to stop?

SNAIL
Yes.

JONNY
A common practice back in the day.
Excessive thumb sucking can cause
bucked teeth.

BENTO
Yeah, you can’t hate you dad for that.

SNAIL
Except, when you pour salt on a snail’s
thumbs… that part tends to dissolve!

JONNY
Well, yeah, there’s that.

The Snail slides closer to Bento and Jonny.

SNAIL
Imagine me in my crib… what use to be
my thumbs dissolving over the side rails.
And with it… my dream of ever becoming
the thumb wrestling champion of the world!

The Snail looks at them with the saddest eyes the universe has ever known. Moments tick on heavily, until a sudden, gentle, breeze pushes Jonny to action.

JONNY
I’ll take three, Mr. Snail!

BENTO
I’ll take four!

SNAIL
( to Jonny )
Okay, three thumbs for you, sir!

JONNY
Yes.

SNAIL
(to Bento)
And four thumbs for you, Robocadet?!

BENTO
Right.

SNAIL
(rapid fire)
Okay, three plus four equals seven.
Your total comes to twenty-seven bucks.
However, only makes sense to round up
to ten thumbs to take advantage of the
quantity discount. Ten thumbs – thirty
bucks! That’s a steal considering the
aggregate pertaining to the hypotenuse!
Paying together or separately? (winks)
Cash only!

Jonny and Bento pool their money and the transactions are quickly made. The thumbs go inside plastic zip lock bags and the two customers hold their purchases with measured confusion and revulsion.

SNAIL
Thank you, gents! It was a pleasure.

The Snail makes a U-turn and slowly slides his way back down the road.

JONNY
Hey, I thought you had business in
WormHole Square?

The Snail swivels his tiny head around.

SNAIL
Not anymore. For the first time in a long
time… I have no more thumbs to sell.

JONNY
Well, be careful in your travels, Mr. Snail.
They’re calling for rain later this evening.

The Snail looks up and surveys the darkening skies.

SNAIL
You don’t say.

The Snail turns away and continues down the road.

ThEnd