HERB
God?
GOD
It depends. Who wants to know?
HERB
My name is Herb. I’m from the Agency.
GOD
The Agency?
HERB
Yes, the temp agency sent me. I’m here
to assist you.
God searches Herb visually with no clue.
HERB
You know – to help you with your design
of the Heavens and the Earth.
GOD
Oooohhhh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Been
expecting you.
HERB
Okay, great.
GOD
Can I get you something to drink?
HERB
No, thank you.
GOD
You sure? Water… tea?
HERB
No, thanks, I’m good.
GOD
Some juice, perhaps? Or maybe you’d
be interested in a concoction I call the
Wine Cooler. Technically, It’s still a work
in progress. I had plans to create it on
the third day, but since you’re here now –
what the hell.
HERB
No, sir. I’m fine, sir, really.
GOD
Okay… soooo, where should we start?
HERB
Well, sir, the agency’s policy requires me
to ask you to show one form of official
identification before we proceed.
GOD
That’s new.
HERB
Yes, it’s part of the Deity Authorization
Act.
GOD
I understand. Well, what qualifies as
an official form of I.D?
HERB
Well…
God shows Herb a blue CARD.
GOD
There you go – Blockbusters Membership
Card.
HERB
That’s not quite official enough.
GOD
Why, because I never returned that
VHS copy of Ted 2?
HERB
No, what else do you have, sir?
God shuffles a stack of small Cards.
GOD
Five Captain Crunch cereal boxtops.
HERB
No, sir.
GOD
Why not? Four of these have been
notarized or autographed by
Ruth Ginsberg.
HERB
Do you have anything else?
God shuffles more cards.
GOD
Here’s my drivers licence.
Herb looks at the license.
HERB
Sir, I don’t think this I.D. is real.
GOD
Why’s that?
HERB
The name on it says Lakeshia
Blumenthal.
GOD
(annoyed)
I got that fake I.D. on the second floor
of Tower Of Babel for ten bucks! Last
time I trust a prostitute with a
Percocet addiction.
HERB
Sir, I’m going to need to see something
official before we can continue.
GOD
Right.
God SNAPS his fingers and suddenly hundreds of LOCUSTS fall from above and litter the ground.
HERB
Works for me.
A CLEANING LADY walks by with a bitter brow. Her name is JILL
JILL
(to God )
I told you before, I don’t do windows,
pestilence or plagues!
GOD
Yeah, yeah – did you pick up my suits
from the dry cleaners?
JIILL
(frowns)
You haven’t created dry cleaning yet!
Jill walks off mumbling under her breath.
GOD
Dammit. (to Herb ) Write that down.
HERB
(jots)
Create process to clean clothes
without water.
GOD
Yes! Okay, what else do you have
for me?
HERB
Well, sir, I’ve been looking at your
preliminary sketches of Creation….
GOD
And…
HERB
Frankly, I have some concerns.
GOD
What concerns?
Herb lays out large sheet of PAPER full of ANNOTATED DRAWINGS.
HERB
Well, first of all, you misspelled Genesis.
GOD
Say, whattt?
HERB
It’s spelled with two Ss. I know it’s
small thing, but, it doesn’t look very
professional up on the Apostle’s bulletin
board. You know what I’m saying?
GOD
Go on.
Herb shows God a FLYER.
HERB
And you spelled succotash wrong on
this flyer advertising the Last Supper.
GOD
I like succotash.
HERB
Yeah, still spelled wrong.
GOD
Hey, I’m the lord. I’m not a Scrabble
prodigy, okay? Don’t hate on me
because I found a shorter way to say
corn and lima beans! What else you got?
HERB
Well… your preliminary designs of the
earth are not going to work.
GOD
Why not?
HERB
You’ve got the earth shaped like an oval
and you’ve got purple tassels around
the equator.
GOD
(defiant)
And?
HERB
And it’s going to clash like crazy with
these rhinestones you’re got running
long the Prime Meridian.
GOD
Okay….
HERB
(frustrated)
Did you even look at the swatches I
sent over yesterday?
God smacks himself in the forehead.
GOD
Those were swatches?! Shit, I thought
that was hemp. I may have inadvertently
smoked your swatches… (thinks ) which
now explains why the Mississippi River
didn’t turn out as straight as I had planned.
HERB
Yeah, that would explain quite a bit
GOD
What else?
HERB
It looks like you were totally wrecked
when you created this place called
WormHole Square.
GOD
WormHole Square? What is that?
HERB
WormHole Square… it’s a… well…
GOD
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HERB
A place where – like- cartoon panels
with inhabitants like, talking tubes
of toothpaste.
God looks at Herb blankly.
HERB
No, not you?
GOD
Nope.
HERB
Talking potholes?
GOD
Nope.
HERB
No…. nothing?
GOD
Naw, son.
HERB
(skeptical)
Okay.
GOD
Look, Herb, I may have been smashed
after I smoked your swatches. I admit
that. After which, I may have even
dabbled in a few rounds of Russian
roulette tree frog speedballing. That’s
on me. And I may – may have accidentally,
allegedly, unwittingly, caught a severe
contact high from watching Dave
Chappelle Show, whilst soaking in a tub
of Snoop Dogg bath salts. As a
consequence, my sketches and
preliminary designs of the Heavens
and the Earth may resemble the
screaming scratchings of a five year
old, who’s been trapped in a root
cellar full of over-fermented Chinese
cabbage for fifteen years. Even after
all that, I vehemently and without
hesitation, disavow any involvement
in the creation of this place – ah
WormHole Square, in whole or
part, directly or vicariously, and any
ancillary shenanigans.
(looks off blankly, then back )
Anything else?
Herb sighs, disappointed.
HERB
Actually, I think we’re done here.
The revelation that you may have
impaired during the-
GOD
Good, I’m starved!
HERB
What should I tell the Agency?
GOD
Creative differences. Go with that.
HERB
Okay, I’ll just collect my stuff and-
GOD
Naw, leave it. I’ll get Jill to tidy up.
Jill yells from from behind them
JILL
No can do. I’m leaving early today.
GOD
And why is that, Jill?
Jill
It’s Christmas Eve.
GOD
Oh, okay.
HERB
I’m pretty sure Christmas is not a
thing yet, sir.
GOD
Yeah, right, good, good. Jot that
down, Herb.
HERB
I’m not your assistant anymore,
sir. Remember?
GOD
Nonsense, I just hired you back.
HERB
Okay.
GOD
Jill, Christmas is not a thing yet, so you
can’t leave early.
JILL
Okay… I have to leave early because
it’s… Black Friday.
God and Herb look at each other.
GOD
Herb, is Black Friday a thing?
HERB
Definitely.
God and Herb make a hasty exit.
Jill walks back in drinking a wine cooler. She studies the designs
on the table.
JILL
Idiots.
ThEnd