WE’RE IN THE OFFICE OF DR. LAMONT TRIGGS, PSYCHIARIST.  Seated across from Dr. Triggs is Ian, an Iota.  The session begins now.

DR. TRIGGS:  So… Ian, I see you’ve decided to go against my advice and go ahead a get the body enlargement procedure.

Ian:  Yup, sure did.

DR. TRIGGS: Well… how to you feel?

IAN:  Honestly… not good.

DR. TRIGGS:   Elaborate.

IAN:  Well… like I was saying before… I thought that if I were bigger… people would start caring about me.

DR. TRIGGS:  And have they?

 

IAN:  No, they’re still saying stuff like… I don’t care one iota about this, I don’t care one iota about that…or I don’t care one iota about the other.

DR. TRIGGS:  And as an Iota yourself, how does that make you feel?

IAN:  As always… really small and insignificant… like I don’t even matter.

DR:  TRIGGS:  Yes, and hence, the underlying reason for your body enlargement procedure.  You’re trying to overcompensate for your previously diminutive size.

IAN:  Yes, but like you warned, it really didn’t matter in the long run.  You were right, Dr. Triggs.  I should have listen to you.

DR. TRIGGS: What you need to understand, Ian, is that you are now permanently part of an idiom that you have no control over.  And you have to accept that reality.

IAN:  An idiom?

DR: TRIGGS:  Yes, and for as long as you live, people are going to vent their frustration, displeasure, anger, and disappointment with expressions that will include you name.  But the most important thing to remember is that… none of this these situations are your fault.   None of this is your fault.

IAN:  You’re right Dr. Triggs, you’re right.  Why should I be an accomplice in someone else’s screwed up feelings or enmity?

DR. TRIGGS:   Exactly.

IAN:   Why should I have to bare the burden of someone else’s abject indifference, or casual and irresponsible use of an idiom?!

DR. TRIGGS:  Exactly. ( scribbles ) So… tell them to take your name out of their mouths.

IAN:  Yeah!

DR. TRIGGS:  No, tell them.

IAN:  Huh?

DR. TRIGGS:  Tell them!

IAN:  Take my name… out of your mouth!

DR. Triggs edges up closer in his seat to Ian.

DR: TRIGGS:  Tell them!

IAN:  Take my name out of your mouth!

DR. TRIGGS:  Again!

IAN:  Take my name out of your mouth!   Take my name out of your mouth!

DR.  TRIGGS:  Yes!

IAN:  Take my name… out of your motherfuckin’ mouth!!

DR. TRIGGS quickly slides back in his chair.

DR. TRIGGS:  Whoa, whoa!

IAN:  Oh, sorry, Dr. Triggs.  I got carried – I felt a breakthrough just now.  For the first time in my life I feel like I… matter.  ( revelation )   I think I’m cured, Dr. Triggs.  I think I’m cured!

DR. TRIGGS: Okay, breakthrough, cured or not, let’s not go all Will Smith up in here.

IAN:  Sorry.

DR. TRIGGS:  Next thing you know, you’ll want to go around smacking people in the face while their hosting the Oscars.  ( pointed )  Do you feel like you want to smack someone in the face while they are hosting the Oscars, Ian?

IAN:  ( thinks )  Not at all.

DR. TRIGGS:  Good… this is a real breakthrough, Ian.  Congratulations!

IAN:  ( thinks ) But… sometimes I do feel like… pulling up on your grandmother, who I understand is bow-legged, and that may be from riding too many horses, or it may be from riding too many men after they’ve dismounted from those horses, I don’t know.   Anyway… after they’ve dismounted from your grandmother, I feel like… and it’s just sometimes, it’s not all the time… mainly at night after the night time emissions are done, I feel like… I feel like slapping your grandmother in the face.

DR. TRIGGS:  ( points to the door ) Get out.

IAN:  So… same time next week?

 

DR. TRIGGS:  Yes.

 

THEND