CAKE LADY
A small birthday party is underway. In attendance from left to right is MW, INDIGO, BENTO, ZERACODY ( a snake), and RUXTON, a King Kong nipple. A LADY pops out of the top of a large BIRTHDAY CAKE and… here we go.
CAKE LADY: Happy Birthday, BMW!
BENTO: ( to Cake Lady ). Wait, wait, wait… what’s going on here? Who are you?
CAKE LADY: ( to Bento ) Happy Birthday, BMW!
BENTO: Stop… first of all, I’m not BMW. That’s the birthday guy over there! ( points to MW )
The Cake Lady turns to MW.
CAKE LADY: Happy Birthday –
MW: I’m not BMW either… it’s just MW.
CAKE LADY: MW?
MW: Yes.
CAKE LADY: You sure?
MW: Pretty sure.
BENTO: No offense to you ma’am, but why did the agency send you over here? I ordered the birthday cake package with Heather in it.
CAKE LADY: Well, yesterday, Heather got fired for selling cake batter and candles on the black market, so the agency sent over the next best thing… me.
BENTO: I mean, you kinda look like Heather… if Heather was born during the Dust Bowl era, and had coils showing through the tread on her tires.
CAKE LADY: What are you trying to say exactly?
INDIGO: You’re old!
MW: Yeah… and somewhat haggard… despite your enthusiastic arrival.
ZERACODY: And with rather large breasts that appear to be doing push ups around your ankles. No offense, you understand?
CAKE LADY: Well, I most certainly do take offense. I didn’t come here to be insulted by a cadre of freaks!
ZERACODY: Freaks? Hey, lady, you’re the one popping out of cakes looking like a rubber band titty tree.
CAKE LADY: Shut your mouth! You don’t know anything about me, you blind snake!
RUXTON: I’m not blind, Lady. In fact, I can see far better than most. And right about now, I can see that this knee jerk surface pain that you are illustrating goes much deeper. I’m I right?
CAKE LADY: Yes, you’re right. At this moment, I feel an abject level of shame that I’ve never felt before.
INDIGO: Why, because you’re exposing yourself to female objectification?
CAKE LADY: No, because I peed inside the cake.
BENTO: Uggg, that’s disgusting!
MW: That’s sooo wrong!
ZERACODY: I’m never eating yellow cake again.
CAKE LADY: You thought the cake was moist, now you know why!
BENTO: Damn, and I ate two pieces from the back!
INDIGO: ( to Cake Lady ) You ought to be ashamed of yourself! How long have you’re been doing this sort of thing?
CAKE LADY: What do you mean?!
INDIGO: Jumping out of cakes with assorted shenanigans and… why?!
CAKE LADY: None of your goddamn business! None of you have the right to judge me.
ZERACODY: Let me guess… you’re only doing this to pay your way through school.
CAKE LADY: Yes, I am!
MW: Lady, you’re like… a million years old. What are you talking about? What type of octogenarian middle school that specializes in abacuses and long division are we taking about here?
CAKE LADY: That’s none of your business, BWM, MW, and… double fuck you anyway!
MW: Okay, fair enough.
The Cake Lady looks at Ruxton who’s been silent up until now.
CAKE LADY: ( to Ruxton ) And you?
RUXTON: Well… with all that being said… I think your nipples appear to have some abstract aesthetic value. That’s only applicable in a non-mammary glandular type of setting, you understand.
CAKE LADY: ( suspicious ) What… and why would you -?
MW: Because he is a nipple.
ZERACODY: Yes, a nipple is he.
CAKE LADY: What?
INDIGO: He’s one of King Kong’s original nipples.
CAKE LADY: What? That’s nonsense.
RUXTON: It’s true. I popped off his areola when the big monkey hit the payment back in 1933.
CAKE LADY: What?! Nonsense… was right. You all are a cadre of freaks! I should have known something was off when I saw WormHole Square as the address on the service request form. ( scowls ) Duces!!
The Cake Lady gives the peace sign and then sinks down into the cake. After a moment, Bento climbs up and looks inside the cake.
BENTO: She’s gone.
MW: What?
BENTO: Yeah, she like… vanished.
Everyone looks at each other, miffed.
MW: Sooooooo, who wants some cake?!
THEND