Yesterday, Troy Edmonds, 95, made local history as he became the oldest living entity to ever graduate from high school.  Troy, an eighth generation Fart, came to this land by way of tugboat and the remnants of a rice, beans, and asparagus platter, in 1927.

                            “They all said I wouldn’t last,” said Troy.  “They all said I would start out strong and then fade away before the boat ever reached these shores.  And that I had no chance of staying around through elementary school, let alone high school.  But here I am today, a living testament to how hard work, perseverance, and concentrated hydrogen sulfide mixed with methane can help anyone reach their goals.”

                          Troy’s only regret was that his father was unable to attend his graduation.

                        “My father’s not dead,” said Troy.  “He’s still lingering around.  He’s actually in prison doing twenty to life for multiple counts of premeditated silents but deadly.”  Troy wipes a tear from his eye, continues.  “My father was a quiet man.  And actually, the state gave my father the gas chamber, but that only seemed to make him stronger.  I guess that’s where I get my perseverance from.”

                        In fact, Troy’s father, Ralph Edmonds was convicted of his crimes in 1902, 1903, 1905, 1907, 1908, 09, and multiple times in 1911.

                         “He was often seen coming out of Catholic Church rectories after he had perpetrated his vile acts,” said Troy.  “If only he could be here today to see that I have taken the lowly family name and raised it up to greater heights… and all without the aid of helium, which is what my mother’s side of the family is known for.”