Last week, Darius Shell, going against his father’s wishes, became the first peanut in his family to go to college.  What follows is a brief excerpt of their tense, verbal exchange.

            OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT:

MR. SHELL:  Your Uncle Jeff was a good nut.  He did what he had to do to provide for his family.

DARIUS:  How, by working three and four jobs until he finally lost his mind?

MR. SHELL:  He lost his mind because he married that cashew from the Southside.

DARIUS:  Aunt Jean was nice.

MR. SHELL:  She was outta her friggin’ mind!  Jeff was working so hard to try and keep up with her high maintenance lifestyle that they couldn’t afford.

DARUIS:  She was nice…

MR. SHELL:  Yeah… for a Cashew.

DARIUS:  You didn’t like her because she was a Cashew?

MR. SHELL:  I’m not saying that.  A guy on my bowling team is a Cashew.  Nice enough guy, but he sweats a lot and his feet smell funny.

DARIUS:  None of us have feet!  You’re just making up excuses to justify you intolerance towards Cashews.

MR. SHELL:  NO, I’m not!

DARIUS:  You’re a…(thinks) nut-ist.

MR. SHELL:  No, I’m not.

DARIUS:  Okay… ( thinks) how do you feel about Brazilian nuts?

MR.  SHELL:  I ain’t got nothin’ against them.  Good soccer players, excellent dancers… but they need to go back to their own country.

DARIUS: What?!

MR. SHELL:  And Pistachios… that sounds foreign too, so they need to go back to wherever they come from as well.

DARIUS:  I can’t believe it.  My own dad is nut-ist.  I’ve always suspected, but…

MR. SHELL:  It ain’t like that, Darius.

DARIUS:  No, then what is it like, Dad?

MR. SHELL:  I try to live by the golden rule, you know?   Treat other nuts the way you want to be treated… unless they’re  Almonds, who are good at math, but are horrible drivers.

DARIUS:  You’re ridiculous!

MR. SHELL:  Or Macadamias… who are good at construction and harvesting, but are lazy as fuck!

DARIUS:  See, you just completely contradicted yourself!

MR. SHELL:  No, I didn’t!

DARIUS: ( chuckles)  And you have just answered your own question about college.

MR.  SHELL:  How so?

DARIUS:   I don’t need college to teach me that what you believe is total bullshit.  But, if nothing else, it’ll get me away from this nutshell of ignorance you’re living in, Dad.

MR. SHELL:  Whatever!   In time you’ll see that I’m right.

DARIUS:  Yeah, whatever, I’m out of here.

MR. SHELL:  Oh, yeah, where are you going?

DARIUS:  I don’t know-George’s, Mike’s-anywhere but here right now.

MR. SHELL:  Well, how are you gonna get there?  My car is off limits until I get an ignorance oil change!  Get it?

DARIUS:   Yeah, hilarious.  Whatever, I’ll just take an Uber.

MR. SHELL:  ( fatherly tone )  Okay, Darius… look, I’m sorry we’re not seeing eye to eye about this college thing right now, but I want you to know that… I still love you, Son.

DARIUS:  ( conflicted )  I love you too, Dad.

MR. SHELL:   And always remember these two things no matter what happens between us.  One: we’re family…

DARIUS:  For sure, for sure, always.   What’s the other thing?

MR. SHELL:  If you take an Uber… beware of them Chestnut drivers.  Good at taxes, but sneaky as fuck!

THEND