Last night, Nick Driver, an on call maintenance man, who moonlights as a Ninja, attempted to assassinate drug kingpin, Don Dingle, with tragic results.  Here is the actual record of the encounter.

OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT:  CLOSED CAPTIONED FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED

DINGLE:  Ahaaaaaaa!  Thought you could sneak in and take me out, while I was fast asleep watching the Golden Girls marathon!   Not to be, Ninja.  Not to be.

NINJA:   Dammit!  These fucking keys keep giving away my cat-like, stealthy movements.

DINGLE:  Yeah, you sound like a walking bag of nickles.   I suggest you lose the keys before you try to whack anybody else in the future.

NINJA:  Well, I would need a time machine for that, wouldn’t I?

DINGLE:   Time machine for what?

NINJA:  To whack somebody else… in the future.

DINGLE:  (thinks for a second) No, you would not need a time machine, because you’d be whacking  your victim at the same time of the act itself …  which would be your present.

NINJA:  You sure?

DINGLE:  Yes, I’m positive!

NINJA:  (thinks)  But what about-?

DINGLE:  What about…  you put down the sword nice and easy-like, Ninja!

NINJA: (complies )  Okay.

DINGLE:  Who hired you?  Was it Joe Jefferson from the Westside group?  Was it Banjo Batts from the CherryHill Squad?

NINJA:  No, it was Mrs. Peterson from apartment 4-G.

DINGLE: Mrs. Peterson?  The old broad with the long breast that she carries around in a wheelbarrow?

NINJA:  Yup.

DINGLE:  But why?

NINJA:  The Golden Girls playing, volume up high, day and night on your TV… it’s driving her crazy.

DINGLE:  Wow… it’s really that bad?

NINJA:  Yup.

DINGLE:  Okay… (reflects)  I’ll turn it down.  Problem solved.

NINJA:  Okay… what about me?

DINGLE:  Well… I’m not really sure.  First, I was gonna blast you, but… my kitchen faucet’s been leaking for a couple days now… so I guess you can just take a look at it while you’re here.

NINJA:  I can take a look at it, but I can’t fix it.

DINGLE:  Why not?

NINJA:  No tools.

DINGLE:  No tools?

NINJA:  No tools.

DINGLE:  What kind of on call maintenance man goes around with no tools?

NINJA:  I’m not… exactly on duty right now.

DINGLE:  What do you mean?  Oh-the whole ninja assassin thing.   Right.

NINJA: Right.  Plus you need to put in a service request through the help desk first.

(to be continued… )