There has been growing concern at the North Pole that Christmas may have to been cancelled this year because of Santa’s reported crystal meth addiction.

                          “Santa started experimenting with substances that would give him the energy boost he needed to keep up with the growing demands of the holiday season,” said Joey, Assistant Elf in charge of North Pole Logistics.  “Santa was also looking for something to help him lose weight.  He tried a lot of things including, coffee, energy drinks, and putting three gerbils with ADHD up his ass.  Those things didn’t help increase output all that much.  He also tried low latency faerie dust and high potency angel dust, but they didn’t worked out too well either.”

               And then everything changed for the better and unfortunately… the worst.

                    “Santa tried crystal meth back in November of last year,” said Joey.  “And the results were incredible and immediate.  Santa increased his Christmas presents deliver rate from 10,000 packages an hour to over 500,ooo packages per hour while he was on the meth.  So… combined with Amazon, he was able to meet last season’s holiday demands.   That was the good news.”  Joey sighs deeply, continues.   “Unfortunately, Santa became addicted to the crystal meth somewhere around March of this year.   He started acting erratically and started making bizarre business decisions like, getting rid of all the senior elves and replacing them with garden gnome temps.  He also moved our main warehouse from the North Pole to Baltimore.   Then he started selling all his stuff to feed his meth addiction.  I mean, he sold workshop tools, eggnog by the barrels, laptops, and even lap dances.  He started selling off tons of Christmas presents at rock bottom prices.  He sold most of his reindeer, except the slowest two, Donner and Vixon.  He sold his sleigh, and darn near everything else… down to even his Santa boots.”

                 Joey shakes his head, continues.   “He has lost over three hundred pounds.  He’s no longer fat and jolly.  He’s now skinny, frail and can barely function.  If Santa can’t get straight, I don’t see Christmas happening this year.”

                  So, Santa’s reported crystal meth diet was merely a byproduct of his need to increase his holiday season production output.  As of this writing, Santa Claus was last seen still slumped up against a tree, eating handfuls of yellow snow, with three dead gerbils up his ass.