Yesterday, Eddie Robertson, 55, was attacked in the 2800 block of Riggs Avenue by an assailant with a bottle.   And despite having eyes in the back of his head, Mr. Robertson was unable to describe his attacker to police.

                     “Yeah, the eyes in the back of my head don’t see too good no more,” said Mr. Robertson.   “All them years of sleeping on my back on the beach has really done a lot of damage to my vision.  Not to mention the astigmatisms and cataracts I developed from playing long hours with toy trains.   Not to mention the really, really large amount of cannabis that I smoked to counteract the cataracts.  So… that all considered, there’s no chance in hell that I would have been able to describe my dealer, who hit me in the goddamn head over a five dollar bag of weed and the remnants of a vintage Lionel train set.”

                    But according to witnesses, there was another unknown attacker who became hostile when he didn’t like the way Mr. Robertson was looking at him.

                                “Maybe.  I get that a lot,” said Mr. Robertson.  “People think I’m looking at them when I’m simply walking away across a room or out the front door.  Or… if I’m simply trying to figure out whether or not I’m being followed.   But that usually happens after an interaction with the cannabis.”