Yesterday afternoon, L. Dorsee, a pirate, was pulled over by police and charged with the very rare traffic violation of Swashbuckling While Driving.  

                             “I observed Mr. Dorsee commit several illegal maneuvers that would fall under the swashbuckling category,” says, Officer Lori Felton.  “First, Mr. Dorsee was heading southbound on Tucker Avenue, when I observed him use some fancy swordplay to signal a right turn and then he swirled the sword, lunged forward, and changed the radio station.  Then I witnessed the subject exhibit acts of chivalrous behavior when he yielded his right-of-way to several motorist, all of whom were of the female persuasion.  I later observed Mr. Dorsee involved in a rather heated road rage shouting altercation with another motorist.  But instead of yelling profanities as the other motorist was doing, Mr. Dorsee employed rapier beguiling wit to de-escalate the situation.  Finally, I observed the subject drive through a toll booth and toss several pieces of eight, totalling approximately twelve dollars and seventy-five cents into the tollbooth without even slowing down his vehicle.”

                       Mr. Dorsee was subsequently given a field swashbuckling test, which he failed miserably.

                     “The subject was asked to walk a simple straight line,” says Officer Felton.   “… which he could not do without breaking into dramatic flourishes and then he subsequently swung from a light pole and landed in the middle of the intersection, sword pointing towards oncoming traffic.  Ultimately, it was the fact that his breath smelled of alcohol spirits and scurvy that prompted me to arrest him.”

                    Mr. Dorsee’s vehicle was impounded where two barrels of four hundred and fifty proof rum, a treasure chest filled with gold, Spanish artifacts, forty kilos of cocaine, and seventeen pairs of bootleg Errol Flynn suede tights were found.