A pirate named Latissumus Dorsee has checked himself into the WormHole Square Psychiatric Center, for what doctors are calling Non-Peg-Leg Pirate Guilt Syndrome.
“It’s a rare psychological condition affecting about 2% of pirates,” says doctor Jay Coleman. “With it, the pirate feels a deep sense of guilt and depression because they have both of their real legs intact, and conversely, many of their pirate colleagues have peg legs.”
Dr. Coleman checks his notes, nods to himself, continues. “If not treated properly, this condition will get worse. It will adversely affect the pirate’s desire to hunt for buried treasures and passive income booty, and it may permanently destroy his overall swashbuckling abilities.”
“Why did all those tragic accidents happen to me mates and not this pirate?” says Latissumus. “Me mate, Jon Smithereen, lost his leg when ye stepped into a pothole filled with sodium hydroxide, Red Bull, and municipal drinking water. Tragic.” Latissumus wipes his eyes, continues. “And me buddy, Bluegoatee, lost ye leg while doing handstands on a helicopter launchpad. Tragic”. Again, Latissumas wipes his eyes, continues. “And me old mate, Captain Cockspin, lost both ye legs when ye waded into a shark tank ye mistook for Riverdance festival. Double tragic.”
Latussumus reflects sorrowfully, continues “And what about yours truly? Where is me badge of courage? Where is me rite of the brotherhood of pirates and buccaneers? Where is me peg leg?”
Latissumus shakes his head, continues. “Last week I walked through a WWII minefield that was also filled with bear traps, that was surrounded by a samurai training facility for midgets… and nothing. Not a scratch. It’s not fair. Without a peg leg, I don’t feel important. I feel like a fraud sailing upon the seven seas. Last week I got pulled over by ye coast guard, near the Island of Tortuga, for a busted tail light. Such disrespect. They would never treat Long John Silver like that!”
Latissumus frowns, continues. “Me own parrot ignores me. He never repeats anything I say unless it’s a comment of self deprecation. Captain Morgan won’t drink with me, and none of ye mermaids will return any of me calls. I feel like I’m at the bottom of Davy Jones’ locker, surrounded by darkness, jock straps and ye old tube socks.”
Despite his deep depression and feeling of extreme guilt, Dr. Coleman believes that Latissumus can be cured of his syndrome. “If his condition does not improve soon, we are just going to put one of his legs out into a store isle during a Black Friday sale.”