Yesterday, Logan Spiers, 44, won the 17th annual International Dry Feet Down Hill Racing Contest, at WormHole Square Slopes.   The event featured about 100 contestants with extremely dry and ashy feet, who raced barefoot down a mountain slope covered in a mixed layer of  corrugated cardboard and rice paper.

                  “I trained really, really hard for this event and finally my dream has come true,” says Mr. Spiers.   “First, I cut all consumption of vitamin A from my diet.  Second, I carefully tripled my intake of sugar to push my diabetes into overdrive, to insure my skin would become good and dry, but not to the level where my feet would fall off.   I also soaked my feet every day in a solution of sodium sulphate, sawdust and Tennessee corn whiskey.  Then I stuck ’em in the oven, covered in a layer of pound cake batter.   Set the oven to 350.  Baked for 40 minutes.  Turned feet over.  Baked for another 40 minutes until batter was flaky to the touch.”

                Mr. Spiers looks down at his feet, grimaces, continues.

               “My other training consisted of line dancing with iguanas and kicking an empty can of lima beans across the Mojave desert… barefoot.  I later trained exclusively with an iguana named, Bingles, who showed me how to trim my toenails on the side of a cactus, and how to spit 30 feet into a bucket, while suffering from extreme hydration.”

                 This was the fourth time Mr. Spiers had entered the race.  His previous best result was 25th place last year.

                  “The extra training and focused determination made the difference this time,” Spiers says.  “And right before this race, I smoothed my calloused heals with 150 grit sandpaper to reduce drag, and I polished my bunions with furniture wax, for better aerodynamic flow.  I want to thank Bingles for helping me make my dream come true.”