CROOKED CROOK
A group of CRIMINALS are sitting around a table plotting their next heist. From left to right, they are Phil, Allen, and Jimmy.
PHIL: ( to Allen ) Okay, Allen, after we get into the foyer, you’re gonna jimmy the lock on the door to the main room where the diamonds are kept. Got it?
ALLEN: Yeah, but I… I gotta question.
PHIL: Okay, what?
ALLEN: Are we still getting pizza?
PHIL: Yes, after the meeting. Anything else?
ALLEN: Yeah.
PHIL: What?
ALLEN: Why am I gonna be the one to jimmy the lock?
PHIL: Because that’s what you do, you’re the lock smith.
ALLEN: Yeah, but it would make more sense if Jimmy here… ( points to Jimmy) was the one to jimmy the lock.
PHIL: It doesn’t work that way. Jimmy can’t pick locks.
JIMMY: Yeah… but I’ve never really tried. Maybe…
PHIL: ( to Allen ) You’re gonna jimmy the lock, alright? You straight now on what you gotta do?
ALLEN: Yeah, I got it. I jimmy the lock on the door to the main room. Got it.
PHIL: Right, okay cool.
Phil turns to Jimmy.
PHIL: Okay Jimmy, after we get into the main room, you’re gonna open the circuit breaker panel with an Allen wrench and then shut off the power to the alarm system. Got it?
JIMMY: Yeah, got it? Just one question though.
PHIL: ( sighs ) What is it?
JIMMY: Yeah… it seems to me that it would make more sense if Allen would be responsible for opening the panel with the Allen wrench, and shutting off the power to the alarm system. You know what I mean?
PHIL: No, I don’t! Because that’s not how this operation works. You don’t get assigned to a specific job because the name of a tool or process related to that job just happens to be your name. That’s not how this works!
ALLEN: But why not? It would make things a lot easier to remember. My name is Allen, I do Allen wrench related operations. Easy.
JIMMY: Yeah, I’m Jimmy, and I should jimmy all the locks on our jobs. It’s more straight forward and makes the operation foolproof.
PHIL: Obviously not!
JIMMY: What’s that suppose to mean, Phil?
PHIL: Nothing, let’s just stick to the original plan, can we do that?!
ALLEN: Okayyyy, calm down.
JIMMY: Yeah, chill out, man.
PHIL: Okay… ( deep breath ) let’s continue.
Allen and Jimmy refocus on the plan.
PHIL: Okay, after the power is shut off, I’m gonna break the glass to the diamond case with a large Phillips screw driver. That’s when you two-
JIMMY: ( suspicious ) Wait a minute, hold, hold, hold on. I see what’s going on here.
PHIL: What?
JIMMY: Why do you, Phil, get to use a Phillips screw driver to break the glass?
ALLEN: Because his whole name his Phillip!
JIMMY: It would make way more sense to use a hammer to break the glass, don’t you think… Phillip!
ALLEN: Yeah, who uses a screw driver to break glass?
PHIL: I said it was a large screwdriver.
JIMMY: Bullshit! If you get to break glass with a Phillips screw driver, then I want to be the one to jimmy the lock.
ALLEN: And I want to use the Allen wrench to open the panel and shut off the power!
PHIL: Will you two shut the fuck up! I’m trying to run an operation here! Okay, so I was randomly selected to break the glass with a Phillips screwdriver. But, it’s just a coincidence. No conspiracies or special selection, or insider trading going on here. Can we just get back to business?
JIMMY: Okay… back to biz!
ALLEN: Okay.
PHIL: Okay, now I’ve got a guy on the inside who is going to disable the back up power to the security guard elevator off the hallway to the main room.
ALLEN: What guy?
PHIL: Huh?
ALLEN: What guy?
JIMMY: Who’s the guy, Phil? Who’s the elevator guy?
PHIL: Oh… it’s my uncle Otis. He’s inside, he’s gonna disable the backup power to the elevator. Any problems with that?
ALLEN: Nope.
JIMMY: ( suspicious ) Except there is.
PHIL: What’s the problem, Jimmy?
JIMMY: Well… Otis was the name of the man who invented the elevator.
ALLEN: ( realizing ) Yeah Jimmy’s right! The dude’s name was Elisha Otis, and he invented the elevator somewhere around 1856!
JIMMY: This shit ain’t fair! First, you, Phillip, and your Phillips screwdriver. And now your uncle Otis and the Otis elevator. This ain’t nothing but straight up nepotism, Jimmy, that’s what this is!
ALLEN: ( to Jimmy ) I think you mean necrophilia, Jimmy. Necrophilia.
JIMMY: Huh?
ALLEN: The word your trying to –
JIMMY: ( to Allen ) Idiot, necrophilia is when people fuck dead people.
ALLEN: Naw…. I don’t think so, Jimmy. That’s –
PHIL: The word is nepotism, but it’s not! I swear on my mother’s grave that these things are just a matter of crazy… coincidences. I wouldn’t unfairly game this operation just so that me or my family members can have tools, machines, or responsibilities that are associated with our names. C’mon, fellas, that would make zero sense as far as efficiency and likelihood of success, am I right?
Jimmy and Allen look at one another.
PHIL: C’mon, guys, I’m just trying my damnedest to put together a foolproof plan that will make us all rich. Trust me, there is no nepotism going on here.
JIMMY: Alright Phil, we trust you.
Allen gives an approving nod.
PHIL: Okay… any questions?
Jimmy raises his hand.
PHIL: Yes, Jimmy?
JIMMY: Who’s driving the getaway car?
PHIL: Don’t worry about that, I’ve got that covered.
JIMMY: Yeah, but with who?
ALLEN: Yeah, who, Phil?
PHIL: My cousin will be driving the getaway car. She’s reliable and has a good driving record. No DUIs, no nothing.
ALLEN: Your cousin?
PHIL: Yup.
JIMMY: What’s her name, Phil?
PHIL: I think for the sake of security, it’s better if we didn’t get into that.
ALLEN: What’s her name, Phil?
PHIL: Okay… her name is Chevelle.
JIMMY: And what kind of car is she driving for our getaway?
ALLEN: Yeah.. tell us, Phil.
PHIL: It’s a… it’s a… ah…1976 Chevrolet… Chevelle.
JIMMY: Son of a bitch!
ALLEN: This definitely means no pizza.
THEND