Dr. Seuss was a prolific writer of over 60 children’s books, but, he was not a real medical doctor.  Unfortunately, this fact did not stop him from practicing the two specialties at the same time, with mixed results.

            “I went to see him for my erectile dysfunction,” says, Joe Sinclair, 42. “Dr. Seuss said I needed more protein in my diet, and then he proceeded to give me a lobotomy and made me read Green Eggs and Ham… twenty-nine times.  Then he made me read There’s a Wocket in My Pocket… twenty-nine times. Twenty-nine minutes later, my erectile dysfunction was cured.  Amazing.”

         Horton, a 36 year old, blue elephant, was treated by Dr. Seuss for hearing loss.

              “I had been deaf all my life, until I went to see Dr. Seuss,” says, Horton.  “He told me I needed more protein and then proceeded to give me a lobotomy. Then he made me read Green Eggs and Ham 57 times.  Ten minutes later, for the first time in my life, I could hear.  It was amazing.”

         And Seuss wrote a book about it called, Horton Hears A Who.  Unfortunately, the only thing Horton can hear are Whos.  Sometimes he can hear whens, whys, hows, and the occasional what the fuck, but that’s about it.  Someday, Horton hopes to be able to hear other sounds like… birds, chimes and…. poachers, who keep hunting him for his ivory.

Dr. Seuss also treated The Grinch for having a heart two sizes too small.

             “Having a tiny heart made me bitter, so I stole shit, and tried my best to keep Christmas and Dr. Martin Luther King Day from coming,” says,  The Grinch.  “Dr. Seuss said my heart problem was caused by a lack of protein.  So… he gave me a lobotomy and made me read One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish… and Green Eggs and Ham… 155 times. Twenty minutes later, I felt my heart swell with generosity and love.  Amazing.”

          It was later determined that the moldy eggs and excessive pork, caused pulmonary edema and made the Grinch’s heart grow ten times its original size.