Earlier today, Ruxton, one of King Kong’s original nipples, was denied access to the MegaCoaster ride at the WormHole Square Amusement Park.

                        “Yo, we gotta strict height requirement in order to get on this here ride,” says Roy Royster, MegaCoaster height verifier, and ticket taker ( but he does not do any of the ticket ripping in half ).   Roy continues.   “No exceptions!  That goes for drawfs, midgets, gnomes, Keebler elves, pygmies, Hobbits, jockeys, the Rice Krispies Snap, Crackle, and Pop boys, and either one of the two King Kong nipples.  No exceptions!”

                           In fact, Roy has never made an exception in the twenty-seven years he has been working the MegaCoaster ride.

                              “Napoleon Bonaparte tried to get through here one time, but he was one millimeter under the height requirement.  I didn’t let him on.   So what, you were a great French military leader and emperor.   You’re not tall enough to get on this here ride.  Waterloo, bitch!  Napoleon Bonaparte can’t ride.  Now, Napoleon Dynamite, tall dude, he’s good to go!   No exceptions.   They all try to get on this ride, but I hold it down like the law.   Danny DeVito, Kevin Hart, and Bruno Mars all tried to get through the gate.  Nope, no-can-do, not gonna happen!”

                          After being turned away from the MegaCoaster, Russell had to settle on riding the Merry-Go-Round and the whirling Tea Cups.

                        “It was really embarrassing,” Ruxton says.  “Here I am, a grown-ass man, and I’m relegated to the kiddie rides.   All the parents laughing at me, teasing me, calling me Nipsey Russell Jr.  My only sense of revenge is knowing that within that crowd of chuckling adults were some moms who had a debilitating case of nipple envy.”